Radpocalypse

Killer Klowns From Outer Space

Posted on October 1, 2012 by omaraeverytime

posted by @Omara_Mike

To kick-off our October series of all things horror, we’re going to start on the right foot with a real classic from the B-movie genre…

The world is sorely missing something: make-out points. Do they even still exist!? Were they even romantic? Was there something special and exciting about knowing that your buddy, who is one car over, is getting his weiner tugged on by that cute girl from Biology?

Anyway, this is how one of the greatest B-movies ever, Killer Klowns From Outer Space, starts off. Mike and Debbie are spending their night at the local make-out point known as “The Top of the World”. After they’re done slapping their tongues together in the back of Mike’s car (all while lying in an inflatable raft – I am not making this up), they see a shooting star fall very close to where they are currently dry humping each other.

Killer Klowns

Naturally, they decide to go ahead and investigate it. Instead of finding a crater with a glowing hunk of space rock, they stumble upon a circus tent in the middle of the woods. They make their way in to the bizarre scene and discover some odd cotton candy cocoons. After countless times of Debbie stating that, “cotton candy isn’t stored liked this”, she makes another declaration that they are in a spaceship- this spaceship just so happens to be the shooting star that they originally saw crash in the woods. Also, it brought a bunch of klowns to earth (yes, I will be spelling clown with a ‘K’ for this entire article), a murderous race of space alien.

From here on out, this movie is just pure hilarity. The klowns make their way into town and just cause all sorts of havoc. From messing up the local drugstore, putting on a puppet show in the town park, or taking time to visit the local motorcycle bar, everything these klowns do is not only hazardous to the locals, but really really funny. In the odd chance that you have never seen this film, or heard about it, watch it now! Go in to this one with the mindset of just having a good time.

Personally, I think this movie is best enjoyed with more people. Gather as many friends together next Friday night, pop in this gem in, drink a lot and just soak in the greatness that is Killer Klowns From Outer Space.

Like this article? Fucking hate it? Let Mike know in the comments section!

Posted in Movies, Uncategorized | Tagged B Movies, B-Movie, Big Top, bikers, cheesy, Clowns, Comedy, corny, crash, funny, Halloween, horror, Killer, Killer Klowns, Killer Klowns From Outer Space, Klowns, movie, movies, October, October 31st, Outer Space, Rad-tober, radpocalypse, radpocalypse.com, Radtober, scary, space, space ship, spaceship | Comments Off

Would You Kindly Read This Article About BIOSHOCK?

Posted on September 25, 2012 by stevehatesu

posted by @SteveHatesU

Remember when video games used to be about plumbers saving princesses and blue hedgehogs running super fast to collect rings? Those games made no fucking sense.

Nowadays, we have video games that flirt with the realm of make-believe, but ultimately try too hard to be believable. There’s always a “reasonable” explanation for the way things are. The world’s void of civilization and full of mutants because of nuclear war, or zombies are attacking because of a virus. This dude can shoot lightning out of his hands because of a botched science experiment. Nathan Drake is a douche bag. That last point may seem out of place, but it really isn’t- if you ask me, the less sense games make the better they are.

A case in point: Bioshock

all images c/o Bioshock wiki

Let’s travel back to the 1940’s and into the mind of Andrew Ryan. But who’s Andrew Ryan? you might be asking. He’s like a more extreme Mitt Romney. This asshole made a bunch of money doing “something” and decided that he was too good to be bound by the limits of capitalism AND socialism. “Let’s build a civilization deep within the ocean where society’s elite can flourish!” he said as he lifted his head from the enormous mound of cocaine piled high on his desk. “OK!” said everybody else.

Welcome to Rapture, mother fucker! Why did we name it “Rapture”? Because “Buffalo” was already taken. From what we can tell from the in-game audio logs, Rapture fell apart on January 1, 1960 – 20 years after Ryan’s bender. So what exactly was the timetable here? Think of all the great cities of the world. Do you know how long it took them to be what they are today? A really fucking long time!

So here we are, back in 1940, while the world is focused on a little thing called World War II, and we’re going to build a new city UNDER. FUCKING. WATER. Do you know how hard it is to do things underwater, let alone build a giant city during a world war? Do you know how many gold medals Michael Phelps has?

Best case scenario, the city was finished and inhabitable in 1958. So that means two years later, everyone lost their minds and decided to kill each other.

What could have possibly gone wrong?

Andrew Ryan, wanted to create a utopian society where the already “elite” members could prosper even more than they already have. These people have spent their whole lives clawing their way to the top and stepping on those that have gotten in their way. Why don’t we gather all of these people together in an isolated, underwater environment, and see what happens?

CATASTROPHE – that’s what fucking happens.

Let me back up just a little bit. So, Rapture is up and running. Elitists are packing up and moving in droves to their new underwater home. Governments everywhere are like, “Yeah, fine, do whatever you want – WORLD WAR!” Good. So now we’re established.

At some point, someone finds out that by injecting yourself with something called a “plasmid” or “tonic”, you can alter your genetic make-up and gain super powers. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Did you know that it’s recommended that you consume 1 gram of protein for every pound of body weight everyday for “the best results”. Did I mention that we’re underwater, too?

So, we’re going to inexplicably give people the power to control fire, electricity, ice, bees, and other really random shit? Good. That’ll probably work out for the best. Wait, how did we even get the ability to alter our genetic code this specifically? Oh! Sea slugs- of course. Sea slugs produce a substance called ADAM that can be manufactured into genetic-altering plasmids and tonics. Do you know how we could mass produce this ADAM stuff? Why, by implanting those sea slugs in the stomachs of little orphaned girls!

Listen, this is happening, so you better make peace with it.

I’ve noticed lately that everyone is sort of becoming, well, addicted to these plasmids and tonics. Did we just invent crack?

No, crack won’t be invented for another 20 years. This is better than crack!

It’s a good thing we’re hiding the source of this “crack” in the stomachs of orphaned little girls…..we’re really going to have to amp up security, aren’t we?

Yeah.

What does every little girl need? A daddy. A Big Daddy! We’re going to take our own genetically altered freaks, strap them into a clunky diving suit, and brainwash them into being completely devoted to protecting these little girls. The girls will go around and harvest ADAM from the recently over-dosed and deceased splicers-

Wait, what did you call them?

Oh, “splicers”. That’s what I’m calling them because they love to “splice” their genetic code.

You’re an asshole, do you know that? So… what, are we going to give them guns and stuff?

Yeah, kind of. I’m thinking they should all have an over-sized drill bit on one arm so they can impale and drill perpetrators.

Sounds reasonable.

So, here we are. High Society has gathered underwater to binge on sea slug juice produced in the stomachs of little girls. Everyone here has super powers, easy access to weapons, and a now unquenchable thirst for ADAM. The only law enforcement is in the form of brainwashed hulks that are obsessed with nothing more than making sure nobody touches those little girls. These tank-like “Big Daddies” are armed to the teeth and will not hesitate to brutally murder anyone. I think we made a really good choice in moving here!

FUCK.

I want to point out that I really haven’t talked much about the game itself at this point. Up until now we’ve really only just covered the back story of Bioshock. By the time the player is introduced to Rapture, society has fallen apart. Everything seems to be destroyed, or leaking, or on fire. Buildings are filled with trash, debris, and corpses. Citizens of Rapture have taken things way too far and are essentially mutants as a result of their genetic splicing. Every room the player enters is a terrifying deathtrap. The only code of conduct in Rapture now is kill or be killed.

The actual in-game story is just as ridiculous. Obviously, in order to survive, the player is given as much access to guns and plasmids as everyone else. Feel free to fuck up your genetic code for the rest of your life, it’s not like you have anything else going on right now. You start off as just a dude on a plane flying to, I dunno, “somewhere”, when your plane crashes. Conveniently, as the sole survivor, you stumble upon Rapture and are immediately attacked by Splicers.

A random guy on a two-way radio named Atlas decides to guide you, but only if you agree to help him save his family; sounds noble enough. Throughout the story, you’re introduced to different kinds of Splicers as well as the Big Daddies and their ADAM-carrying Little Sisters (family trees are fucked up in Rapture). Eventually, you make it to Andrew Ryan and it’s revealed that you are his illegitimate son who was kidnapped from Rapture and genetically altered to age quickly and mindlessly obey any order preceded by the phrase “Would you kindly…” In a shocking twist, Atlas turns out to be Ryan’s arch nemesis, Frank Fontaine, who planned this whole thing. You kill Ryan, are left for dead by Fontaine, rescued, and are then tasked to rescue all of the remaining Little Sisters as well as stop Fontaine. I don’t know about you, but I could use a beer.

“Wait a minute,” you say. “I’ve read reviews of this game and everyone says it’s great!” Yeah, dipshit, that’s because it is! The storyline is so fucked up and original that you really have no choice but to accept it before it destroys you. The gameplay is tight and solid, the graphics are gorgeous and stunning, the voice acting is impeccable and the juxtaposition between the creepy atmosphere and the upbeat 1940’s jazz is genius. I will also add, that this game has the BEST shotgun in first person shooter game history. Seriously, if this shotgun had tits I would have all of its babies.

It’s almost unfortunate how awesome this game is. If it wasn’t so successful, the creators wouldn’t have been pressured into making a sequel. Don’t get me wrong, the sequel isn’t bad, but it’s far inferior to the original. In fact, the existence of the sequel has almost tarnished the reputation of the first game. If you’re tired of killing Nazis and zombies and zombie-Nazis, you owe it to the sea slug growing in your stomach to play this game.

Like this article? Fucking hate it? Would you kindly let Stephen know in the comments section?

Posted in Games, NES, Nintendo, SEGA, Technology, Uncategorized, Xbox | Tagged 1940s, ADAM, Andrew Ryan, Atlas, Big Daddies, Big Daddy, Big Daddys, Bioshock, Bioshock 2, Bowser, Buffalo, capitalism, creepy, elite, first person shooter, Frank Fontaine, game, games, gold medal, graphics, high society, Infamous, jazz, Koopa, Mario, Michael Phelps, Mitt Romney, mutant, mutants, Nathan Drake, nuclear war, Obama, Olympics, outbreak, plasmid, plasmids, Princess, Princess Toadstool, radpocalypse, radpocalypse.com, Rapture, scary, sea slugs, socialism, Sonic, Sonic the Hedgehog, splicer, splicers, spooky, Super Mario, Super Mario Bros., tonic, tonics, Undead, underwater, utopian, video, video game, video games, videogame, videogames, virus, World War 2, World War II, Would You Kindly, zombie, Zombies | Comments Off

Comics VS Death

Posted on September 21, 2012 by HeyItsKamo

posted by @CalmTomb

Charles Xavier died last week. You’ll forgive me if I don’t wear a black armband.

It’s nothing against him. I’m not a die-hard X-Men fan, but I’ve dug Xavier – better known as “Professor X” — in a few of his incarnations. It was amusing to watch him try to pick up college girls with his line about “a really groovy mutation” in X-Men: First Class. I loved seeing him walk again and battle his evil, died-in-the-womb-but-somehow-survived twin Cassandra Nova in Grant Morrison’s New X-Men (a great series until it went nuts at the end. See also: Grant Morrison’s JLA).

And I imagine for kids who use wheelchairs, it was cool to see a superhero who looked like them (I know my girlfriend, who has a disability, feels the same sort of affection for D.C. Comics’ Oracle). But I can’t get too sad over learning that Marvel killed him off in the latest issue of Avengers Vs. X-Men.

Apparently it was Cyclops in the library with the optic blast that killed the Professor. I’m not sure how it all played out, because I just don’t care.

In comic books, at least mainstream superhero comic books, death has no meaning anymore. When news of Xavier’s death broke this week, a few different news outlets ran this quote from Axel Alonso, Marvel’s editor-in-chief:

When we first crafted ‘Avengers VS. X-Men,’ we didn’t set out to kill any characters, but as the story progressed it became obvious that this had to be the last stand of Charles Xavier.

Who knows? Maybe they really mean for Professor X to stay as dead as Gwen Stacy or Bruce Wayne’s parents. But the track record for dead – or fundamentally altered — major comic book characters says otherwise.

At this point, I feel just linking to Max Landis’ excellent Death and Return of Superman video on YouTube and just calling it a day. One of the points he makes – which I’ll steal – is that death in comics has been a lot less final in the last 20 years.

Superman, of course, died and came back in the span of about a year back when I was in high school. At the time, it was a big deal, the type of thing – for 14 year-olds, anyway — that made traditional superhero comics seem cool and relevant again in the age of Image Comics.

Side Note: writing at age 35 about how stuff like Spawn seemed “cool” makes me realize how my parents must feel looking at pictures of themselves in the 1970s. Jesus, were those comics terrible.

Kids who didn’t even read comics bought that infamous black-bagged issue. Some of them just wanted to see what the commotion was about. Others had the misguided notion that “it’s going to be worth something someday.” (That “something” amounts to about $16)

So Superman died following a 20-page punch fight with Doomsday; then he came back.

And from there, the damage was already done. It seemed like every major comic book character had to go through some sort of upheaval. Batman had his back broken (but it got better). Daredevil got a 1990s-idea-of-badass new costume (he doesn’t wear it anymore). Aquaman lost a hand, and gained a hook (?) or something (for a while). And for all I know, the Flash became Fem-Flash, and Iron Man decided he liked bronze better.

Granted, a lot of these changes happened during an extremely low-point for comics (other than Vertigo, did the big two companies do ANYTHING memorable in the ‘90s?). Yet, we’re not exactly in a Golden Age now, either. Between re-launches, “Zero” issues, dual universes and the like, comics are changing all the time. Some of it’s good, some of it’s bad, but none of it’s ever permanent.

So, RIP, Professor X. We’ll see you next year.

Like this post? Fucking hate it? Let us know in the comments section!

Posted in Comic Books, Uncategorized | Tagged 90s, Aquaman, Avengers Vs. X-Men, Axel Alonso, Batman, Bruce Wayne, Cassandra Nova, Charles Xavier, comic, comic book, comic books, comicbook, comicbooks, comics, Cyclops, Daredevil, DC, Death and Return of Superman, Detective Comics, Doomsday, Elden Henson, Elijah Wood, Flash, Grant Morrison, Gwen Stacy, hero, Image Comics, Iron Man, JLA, Justice League America, Lois Lane, Mandy Moore, Marvel, Max Landis, New X-men, nostalgia, Oracle, Professor X, radpocalypse, radpocalypse.com, Simon Pegg, Spawn, super hero, superhero, Superman, The Flash, The X-Men, Vertigo, X-Men, X-Men: First Class, Xavier, YouTube | 1 Comment

Borderlands 2 – Back to Pandora

Posted on September 18, 2012 by HeyItsKamo

posted by @HeyItsKamo

Ok, minions. I’ve been up for 24-hours now (please, please excuse how poor of an article this is- I’m also half drunk), two of which I spent waiting in line for easily the most anticipated sequel of the year (I don’t know if this is an accurate statement… so tired), and another six of which I spent playing that sequel, Borderlands 2.

My initial reaction to this game is… wow; this is fucking nuts. There’s just so much to do, so much epicness… but more on that in a minute.

My friends and I posted up at our local GameStop a few hours before the release of the game, which came out at midnight on Tuesday. Along with close to 50 other fans of 2K Games and Gearbox Software’s epic “space western, role-playing first person shooter” Borderlands, we anxiously waited for the clock to strike 12 (surprisingly no one turned back into a pumpkin, not even Matt). We were all there for one thing, bonded by a game we all fucking loved and couldn’t wait to rediscover. We watched all the game trailers online, all the commercials on tv, read all the articles- we were ready and it was finally time.

While most of us didn’t walk away with the mother of all pre-orders (the incredible Loot Chest, count your blessings if you managed to fucking get one… you jerk), I was able to get my hands on the Vault Hunter Collectors Edition of Borderlands 2, which came with some pretty great stuff. A hardcover, fully colored “Inside the Vault: The Art & Design of Borderlands 2” book was in the box (this thing is amazing), along with some BL related stickers, a huge fold-out map of Pandora, a fantastic Marcus bobblehead doll, and, of course, the game. This edition included some pretty cool DLC- on top of coming with the “Premiere Club” membership (no clue what that is…), I was also able to download the Creature Slaughter Dome content (no fucking clue what that is either).

I also forked over the additional $29.99 for the Borderlands 2 Season Pass, which includes: four brand new individual add-on content campaigns for BL2 (featuring several hours each of gameplay, along with new enemies and environments), and a FREE 2 SONG DIGITAL SOUNDTRACK SAMPLER, WHAATTT?! Yeah, I’ll probably never download that, but I figured I’d want the DLC eventually so saving ten bucks wasn’t a bad idea.

Ok, enough with the boring stuff- let’s talk about the game.

Like I mentioned earlier, this thing is amazing. Right off the bat, 2K hits us (for the second time) with an incredibly cinematic, beautiful, funny, and above all else, epic intro. We’re introduced to the characters, this time with each showing just what they’re capable of. Salvador is a hulking “gunzerker”, Maya is a powerful siren, Axton the soldier, and Zer0 the assassin. The intro sequence shows all of them in combat, and it’s impressive to see what each can do. If you’ve played the first installment, these characters are all similar to their previous counterparts.

I started off my first play-through with Salvador because I heard his special skill is duel wielding guns and I had to see that shit for myself (SPOILER: IT FUCKING RULES). Seriously, this guy is an absolute beast. The character concept designer, Scott Kester, says it best: This guy lives and breathes guns, from the twin holsters under his arms to the bullet tattoos and the spare ammo all over him. He is, in many ways, the epitome of Borderlands, someone with a harsh background, making do in this rough world, living by the gun, getting by with bullets. This dude is just complete chaos and rage and skull-bashing fuckery and he doesn’t take shit from anyone- I love it.

Calptrap Porn?

I’ll be honest, I didn’t pay much attention to the story right away- I actually couldn’t as I was too busy talking with the friends in my Xbox Live party about how awesome this game is. None of us could believe just how great everything looked, and more importantly how great it felt to be home. The humor is back (in form), the controls are the same, the feel is the same… but it’s changed. It’s more open, but more hurried. Any fan of the series can jump right in to BL2 and have no trouble adjusting to the gameplay or story: you’re a Vault Hunter looking for an alien treasure, and there are bad guys in your way. Get past the bad guys, get the treasure. But it’s not that simple, is it?

Beware Safety Fist

I’m not going to go too in depth right now, as I’d like to write a formal review later on what this game did right, but I can say that there are some serious improvements. There are a shit-ton of new bad guys, there’s more loot, more guns, better guns. The game still looks fantastic, with some scenes literally making you stop what you’re doing and take it all in (I don’t know about you guys, but I would find myself stopping and looking at the giant Hyperion ship that masks the moon over Pandora). It’s going to take a lot more playing, but this might be a case of the sequel out-doing the original.

In either case, the fans win and that’s all that matters. Well, that and beating the fuck out of Handsome Jack.

Like this post? Fucking hate it? Like Mike know in the comments section!

Posted in Games, Technology, Uncategorized, Xbox | Tagged 2K Games, action, adventure, arcade, Axton, BL, BL2, bobblehead, borderlands, borderlands 2, claptrap, first person shooter, game, gamer, gamers, games, GameStop, gaming, gearbox software, Handsome Jack, Hyperion, Lilith, loot chest, mad moxxi, Marcus, Maya, minion, minions, Pandora, psycho, radpocalypse, radpocalypse.com, Roland, Salvador, vault hunter, Vault Hunter Collectors Edition, video, video game, video games, videogame, videogames, western, Xbox, xbox 360, Zer0 | Comments Off

Video Game Movies (That We Deserve)

Posted on September 18, 2012 by HeyItsKamo

posted by @TDftw

If I have to tell you that the level of movie adaptations of popular video games is far from being acceptable, then I should probably also tell you not to eat razor blades. Gamers hardcore and casual alike value their entertainment, otherwise spending thousands of dollars to buy the system, accessories and games wouldn’t be an option. What has happened aside from Uwe Boll’s ridiculous attempts (STOP IT), is Hollywood trying to capitalize on numerous markets instead of maintaining purity. Now, don’t get me wrong- there are some quality video game movies out there. Final Fantasy: Advent Children, the CGI Resident Evil flicks… hell, Wreck-It-Ralph even looks good.

Shut the fuck up if you didn’t think this was awesome until you sobered up – image c/o joblo.com

Point being, there is potential for certain games to be excellent cinema fodder. What Hollywood has yet to understand, but is certainly trying hard to emulate, is that video games revolve around the feel of the universe they create. Could you imagine playing Resident Evil if it was in brightly lit corridors? It would turn from a survival-horror game into a shooter based solely on ammo conservation (the idea of which makes my penis shiver). What video game fans need is the feel, the universe. You might think asking the universe out of a movie is a lot to ask, but this is my article, so suck a whole bunch of butts.

Dude butts

Mass Effect – I will never waiver on my love of Mass Effect. The first game was epic, the second was epic, the third was a conclusion to an epic journey (fuck you for complaining about the ending). It was a series steeped in drama and excitement, where the choices made affected everything you did. The universe was crisp, breathtaking, grimey, dark, quirky and flat out OH SHIT THAT REAPER KILLED EVERYTHING! There are so many storylines that could be followed and endless possibilities, which makes it high risk/high reward.

It’s also amazing how much time was put into the stories we never paid attention to. There are entire species with which we only got to interact with minimally, who have such rich histories. Also, Yvonne Strahovski voiced Miranda.

Strahovski: Australian for “Boner-Inducing”

We are constantly teased about the Protheans throughout this series, an advanced species who were seemingly wiped out by the Reapers, who may have the answers to stopping them from destroying civilization. In the third game, we finally get to meet one, and he’s kind of a dick. My point being, there is an entire war saga waiting to be told, because we learn through these games that the Reaper’s are in fact cyclical beings of destruction to allow other species to take the galactic helm. There are so many possibilities, and familiar places filled with unknown races.

Or, just make movies about Shephard and make all of the money because that would be badass as well.

Assassin’s Creed – This would be amazing, so hear me out… focus on Altair.

He had one game to himself before it jumped to fucking Ezio. So much time to build, so much time to explore, to hone his skills; it has everything. Love story, murder, intrigue, betrayal, and, again, sweet sweet murder. It doesn’t hurt that free-running is kind of a thing right now (I will not call it parkour, fuck yourself). It’s like the Bourne Identity but with a hooded man who knows what he’s doing and changes history.

I’m not saying make it about Desmond’s visions of Altair, unless you make it a dream. Maybe, right before the conclusion of the first game? That could be interesting. Basically the possibilities for this are quite endless as there never is just one “Assassin”. You have free range within this universe to take any and all historic license you want.

Just ask the guys who killed Hitler

Final Fantasy VII series – Total honesty here… I haven’t played any of the recent Final Fantasy games. They look like the dying visions of someone OD’ing on ecstasy at a rave in Kim Jong Un’s basement. Frankly, VII was my favorite, will be my favorite and should be yours too. I know Advent Children already counts for a movie being made about this game, but shut up. You forget about how much I love you; I want to see more.

I want to see Aeris trudging through the underworld, reborn of Mako energy and evil as fuck riding black Chocobo with Sephiroth on the way to bend Cloud over Barret’s hopefully dead body. I want to see the world I knew from there blown the fuck up in an explosion of crazy awesome nonsense. I want to see Red XIII and Vincent have adventures, fighting demons and shit- it would be better than Constantine (I actually liked Constantine, even with the Shia LeBeeforWhatevs of it all).

This is an established universe with nothing to lose, and yet before this they made a silly save the world-esque Final Fantasy movie that showed off excellent technical advancements while boring me to death.

THIS! MORE OF THIS!

Honorable Mentions – I’m going to close this post with a few more games that should be made into a movie, but I’m not going to explain why because, frankly, it isn’t fucking necessary: Halo, Red Steel (because that would be fucking insane), the Batman Arkham City universe, Prototype (prequel/origin), Tetris (drunk Russian construction!?).

Like this article? Fucking hate it? Let Tim know in the comments section!

Posted in Games, Movies, NES, Super Mario, Uncategorized | Tagged action, Advent Children, adventure, Aeris, Altair, Arkham, Assassin's Creed, Barret, Batman, Batman Arkham City, Bourne Identity, cgi, Chocobo, cinema, Cloud, Constantine, Desmond, Evil, Ezio, Final Fantasy, Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy: Advent Children, game, gamer, gamers, games, Halo, Hitler, Mako, Mass Effect, Mass Effect 2, Mass Effect 3, movie, movies, parkour, Protheans, Prototype, Quinten Tarantino, radpocalypse, radpocalypse.com, Reaper, Reapers, Red Steel, Red XIII, Resident Evil, Sephiroth, Tetris, Uwe Boll, video game, video games, videogame, videogames, Vincent, Wreck-It-Ralph, Yvonne Strahovski | Comments Off

Greetings Traveler! A Look Back at Borderlands

Posted on September 17, 2012 by megabenx

With the release of Borderlands 2 only hours away, @bnjmnVONDOOM, Nick Wisniewski, and @HeyItsKamo talk about all their favorite parts of the original Borderlands.

– Role-Playing shooters are nothing new. They’ve been expertly crafted in games like the Bioshock, Mass Effect, and Fallout series. So why should anyone pay attention to a game like Borderlands? It would be my genuine fucking pleasure to tell you.

Borderlands was created by Gearbox Software and released in October, 2009- almost three years ago. This was a time that my gaming interests, not unlike your mothers vagina, were widening at a frightening rate. I remember seeing bits and pieces of press for it here and there and a video or two on gaming sites; something about it just lit a fire in my loins that I couldn’t explain.

Lilith and Claptrap – image c/o ign.com

When I got home after picking it up on Day One, I popped that sucker in and waited very impatiently as my Xbox downloaded that update it loves doing before every fucking game. The game booted up, I lost myself in that amazing intro and I finally found myself on Pandora, staring at a little yellow robot that shits its circuits at any hint of danger. My robotic Sherpa guided me to a safe house and introduced me to the world I’d be stretching out in. After a few quick visits to the resident doctor, you’ll hit level five and that’s where everything really takes off.

Chaos: this game is absolute mind shitting chaos. It’s insanity that the game unapologetically strives for. You’re given missions that generally involve mass genocide. Slaying enemy after enemy and collecting all the treasures they drop, hoping the next kill yields you more powerful weapons. Cultivating skill points to drop into skill-trees that can grant you special abilities ranging from how long your berserker face-punching-blood-lust-viking-rage lasts to adding a corrosive acidic effect every time you backhand a bitch. Driving wildly through terrain to your next target, mowing down his thugs with a hailstorm of gunfire until you finally nail the big bad with a critical hit and retrieve a piece of the vault key.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that. You’re trying to find all the pieces to a key that will open a vault with unknown treasure inside. (SPOILER ALERT: the treasure sucks and tries to kill you.)

Gearbox didn’t break much new ground with this game. What really separates Borderlands from other games is its personality. The beautiful cell-shaded graphics allowed a lot of leniency for goofy and over the top action while still presenting an impressively detailed world. The humor also helped supercharge the charm that just oozes out of this game; Mr. Shanks’ (General Knoxx DLC) ambiguity is a personal favorite. You know any game with a cosmology reference as graffiti has Robert Downey Jr. levels of personality. The only real original gameplay idea was the thirty-seven FUCKILLION guns you can encounter. Advertisements really used this as a selling point and it definitely caught my attention.

When I first started the game I realized that the guns were basically just randomized loot drops with some exceptions for bosses who always drop the same gun, just with higher stats based on playthroughs. Initially, I thought it was kind of a cop-out. The game cycles
through different body shapes, stocks, barrels, scopes, etc. and randomly drops one at your feet. It really felt like someone pissed in my cereal when I kept coming across guns that looked identical to what I was using. As I got further in the game, however, it was clear how much of a dumb I was for putting so much importance on the look of the weapon rather than its statistics. There is so much diversity for these weapons to pull from. To this day I’m still finding guns with perks I have never seen. My backpack is over loaded with all different kinds of fire arms that I couldn’t bear to part with. With Gearbox’s ingenuity you’ll be prepared for any kind of situation.

Skag Down!

There’s so little I can complain about in this game. Of course it has its flaws but they’re so easy to forgive. It’s like if I woke up and Allison Brie was lowering her sopping tampon on my face. There’s no way I could be mad at her! Despite anything little, like some repetitive fetch quest-esque missions and some pretty shitty steering controls, I never felt bored or exhausted from playing. Shooting, leveling, and getting new gear was always enough to want more. The only real exception is for the “Mad Moxxi’s Underdome Riot” DLC. In total, 375 waves of the same enemies. All the while fighting with handicaps such as no shield, constantly draining health, and horse shit accuracy all stacked on top of each other. Making sure your shit-hole is tested to its limits and then pushed right the fuck past. Oh yeah, and you don’t get ANY FUCKING EXPERIENCE FROM KILLING THOSE THOUSANDS OF ENEMIES. For reals, fuck that shit.

The plot of this game has much to be desired. You play as a treasure hunter who has come to Pandora in search of a fabled Vault that’s rumored to hold ancient alien technology. The planet itself is overrun with outlaws that once worked as free labor in mines. The mines were abandoned and the slaves were let free after it was discovered that there were aliens coming out of hibernation. I actually had to look some of that up- I’ve played the main
campaign of this game about six times now and that is how little the plot resonated with me. Luckily, Gearbox was more than honest about their lack of plot and promised it would be a higher priority in the upcoming sequel. Speaking of sequel…

Borderlands 2 is just around the corner! I have had my thumb right on its butthole since its announcement; I’ve read all the articles and seen all the gameplay footage and interviews. The amount of detail and improvements it seems they’ve made is astounding. Naturally they had to up the amount of guns this time around; the trailer states that their “87 bazillion guns just got bazilliondier.” Everything looks improved- it seems like a totally different game. In the first Borderlands you were so limited with everything- weapon
appearance, enemies, and the terrain itself were all so similar. The sequel seems to kick that door open right in his little door nuts. Just from the previews you see exponentially more than in the first installment.

Listening to Randy Pitchford (President, CEO, and co-founder of Gearbox Software) talk
about him and his staff finally completing the game and getting caught up playing it now seems really genuine. I totally believe that they have forged such an amazing game that instead of just being sick of it and moving on, all of Gearbox is at their desk playing through this thing they just spent years of their lives creating.

– Every once in awhile a piece of media will come out that I get really excited
for. And in even rarer cases, there are times where I’m so excited for the release
date that I start making deals with God. “Ok LORD, just let me live long enough to
read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. That’s all I want, just let me know
how it ends and I’ll be a good person from here on out. Scout’s honor.” “Alright,
alright, alright, J-Man- thanks for letting me read the Harry Potter finale and I’m SO
sorry I’ve still been a shitty person. But please just don’t kill me off before The Dark
Knight Rises comes out. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS”.

I’ve been pleading with God for the last two months to just let me live long
enough to play Borderlands 2. I ain’t got time for the apocalypse, I gotta play BL2!
Fortunately, the wait is almost over as BL2 is set to release tonight at
midnight to a horde of gamers who have been waiting for this game since they took
down The Destroyer in the series’ first installment.

The first game ruled so hard that I’m still trying to recover from it. Intuitive game
play, addictive missions, creative dialogue, and really impressive and original
artwork earned Borderlands a Game of the Year Edition and sold a total of 4.5
million copies worldwide. Here’s what I’m hoping we see in the new game:

GUNS – There were so many gun options available in Borderlands and there will surely be another huge variety of weapons available from our favorite manufacturers. One of the things that frustrated me about the first game is that there were guns all over the place, but they were rarely worth picking up or using. I really want some amazing guns that are worth fighting for.

BETTER MAPS – While playing BL, I would constantly get lost and have no idea where I was going. I’m hoping BL2 has a more interactive map system that makes it easier to determine location relative to where you need to be going. I don’t want to drive around for an hour looking for a Bounty Board.

MORE ENEMIES – I’m sick of killing Psycho’s and midgets. Less skags please.

BL1 INTEGRATION – I would love it if they players were given some kind of reward for playing the first installment in the series. Some kind of special gun or icon that shows that we were here for the first game (kind of like what was done in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3) and put time and effort into it. This is actually something I’d like to see throughout the industry, but that’s a different story.

WRITING – A huge part of what made BL so great was the writing. It was funny and
cohesive, bringing a level of sophistication you rarely see in video games. I expect
BL2 to carry the torch with some really great dialogue.

MULITPLAYER – BL was so much fun to play with friends, I’m hoping they expand
the multiplayer action. Introduce some missions that can only be completed on Co-Op, perhaps a couple of achievements to accompany these missions. That would rule.

MOXXIE – BRING BACK THEM TITS

– Ben and Nick covered pretty much everything with their sections, so I’ll make mine short and sweet- I fucking loved Borderlands. Besides NHL 13, there’s no other game this fall I’ve looked forward to more than the sequel that’s sure to prove better than the first.

When I first bought BL, I didn’t have a very good tv. In fact, I had this game for almost two years before I bought an HD television and could actually enjoy the game. I could finally read the stat boxs that came up when I hovered over select-able content! This game has cell-shading?? Yeah, I really needed that upgrade…

blue rocks, motherfucker

So anyways, once I started playing this one, it was tough to put down. I love games where you level up/earn experience, and BL really took that game style and ran with it. I liked the idea of starting at a lower level and having enemies get progressively harder as you play on. On more than one occasion I’ve had to play certain sections of this title more than once (Sledge’s Safehouse is a perfect example) before I could even compete with the enemies, let alone defeat them and progress in the game.

In most games, I’m not to partial to side missions, but I absolutely loved them in BL (I think Red Dead Redemption was the first game to really perfect this form). The Moe and Marely mission was one of my favorites, you versus a pair of badass skags while a bunch of other badass skags have their backs. I think the Shock Crystal Harvest side mission was the best in the game; it really showed what can be done with the cell-shading technique and was outright fun (not to mention beneficial to your experience points). I’m hoping to see more of that great side mission action in BL2.

Like this post? Fucking hate it? Let Ben, Nick, and Mike know in the comments section!

Posted in Games, Uncategorized, Xbox | Tagged 2k, 9 toes, Acton, Allison Brie, assault rifle, borderlands, borderlands 2, brick, brute, Call of Duty, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3, cl4p-tp, claptrap, COD, DLC, Dr.Ned, Dr.zed, epic, eridian, game, gamer, gamers, games, gaming, Gearbox, gearbox software, grenade, gun, guns, Harry Potter, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, interplanetary ninja assassin, Knoxx, krom, launcher, Lilith, loot, loot chest, mad moxxi, Marcus, Maya, Modern Warfare 3, mordecai, moxxi, multiplayer, MW3, NHL 13, Pandora, Patricia tannis, pistol, psycho, radpocalypse, radpocalypse.com, randy pitchford, Red Dead Redemption, repeater, Robert Downey Jr., Roland, role-playing, RPG, Salvador, scooter, shoot-em up, shooter, shooting, shotgun, sledge, sniper, The Dark Knight Rises, the destroyer, vault, vault hunter, video game, video games, videogame, videogames, Xbox, xbox 360, zero | Comments Off

Pick of the Week

Posted on September 17, 2012 by omaraeverytime

This weeks Pick of the Week section comes from @HeyItsKamo and @OMara_Mike.

Comic Book – Desolation Jones is, essentially, a story about a man looking for lost Hitler porn. Written by the amazing Warren Ellis (Planetary, Ocean, Transmetropolitan) and illustrated by J.H. Williams III (Chase, Batwoman), this six issue series, suggested for “mature readers”, is one of the best dark-comedy, not to mention imaginative, comics to come around in the past ten years.

The story follows Jones, a former British Intelligence/MI6 agent, as he tracks down a wealthy mans lost treasure- pornographic films that feature Adolf Hitler. Jones, who lives and works in Los Angeles (in this world, LA/California is basically a giant open-air prison, full of ex-agents from military and intelligence organizations from around the world- they are forbidden from leaving the Golden State) is joined by a bizarre assembly of fucked up ex-intelligence agents that help (or hinder) him with his mission.

Jones is the survivor of a secret military project, known as the Desolation Test. After being discharged from his position (basically for being a huge drunk), he unknowingly signed up for an experiment where he was strapped to a table and kept awake for one full year. During this time, he was pumped full of drugs and subjected to a constant video feed showing nothing but scenes of death. He’s the only known survivor of the test, but that isn’t necessarily a good thing. He is now drug dependent, subject to random hallucinations, and must avoid contact with direct sunlight at all costs- when he ventures outside, he wears a trench coat, goggles, and a gas mask.

The writing and story in this series is great, but what really appealed to me were the fantastic panels- while the subject matter and story is dark (but surprisingly funny for the most part), the colors and overall art reflect that in spades. There is a definite gloom to everything, but certain quirks throughout pop out in eye catching fashion- Jones’ bright orange trench coat makes him the center of attention in most panels. The deep red of blood controls certain scenes, while others I can only describe as “blue”. It’s pretty amazing stuff and a series I can pick up and enjoy over and over again.

Game – The standard social protocol of answering someone’s, “Name Your Favorite (insert type of media)” question has always been something that I have never been good at, only because there are so many movies that I adore, for many different reasons. There are countless albums that I have been listening to since I was 12, and still think they’re amazing. But when it comes to games, there is one that holds strong at my top spot. That game is Red Dead Redemption.

John Marston

For a long time I have been a huge Rockstar fanboy. Hell, GTA3 was the reason I bought a PlayStation 2- I’ve run down my fair share of hookers in Liberty City. I “Bullet-timed” my way through the underground of New York with Max Payne. I was watched on CCTV, while committing gruesome acts of violence in Manhunt. I also called Bullworth Academy my alma mater, after my “year” with Bully. There are many more Rockstar games that I have played, but Red Dead Redemption just got it right.

If you couldn’t tell by the title, this is a story of revenge. John Marston has been granted amnesty against the crimes he committed while being an outlaw. The catch is that he has to kill his former gang’s leader, Bill Williamson, in order to be set free of his crimes. Marston makes his way to Williamson’s stronghold, only to get shot and left for dead. From here, John starts countless missions, slowly making his way to Williamson and to his inevitable defeat.

Outlaws To The End

As I stated before, I have spent plenty of time in Liberty City while playing GTA4. This city is huge and does a great job making you feel the claustrophobia and craziness of a modern day metropolis. But, there is nothing like riding your horse though the desert landscape, stopping on top of a hill and just looking out at this unbelievable environment that has been created. The attention to detail is something that you could spend hours on, just looking around and taking it all in. To add to this, they really made the lands of New Austin, West Elizabeth, and Nuevo Paraiso come alive.

Boy howdy, I think I’ll hop off my trusty steed and pick those lovely Wooly Blue Curls. I reckon Bonnie will really HOLY FUCKING SHIT A COUGAR IS BITING MY FACE OFF!!!c/o amolag.com

I was initially going to wrap this up by spoiling the ending. But I realized, that epic ending is a big reason why I love this game so much. I will say that it takes you by surprise and redemption really does come to Marston.

So, in the very small chance that you never picked this game up, I hope you are already in your car and on your way to anywhere but Best Buy (fuck that place) to purchase this game. Be sure to get the “Game of the Year” edition, so you can partake in a completely different adventure with John while a zombie outbreak plagues the land.

I have barely scratched the surface of this immense game. But I really do think it is a better experience if you go in completely blind and have the world open up to you, as you realizes the countless things you can see and do.

Television Show – HO-LEE FUCK, y’all! I was in my parents basement a few weeks back, searching through old boxes they stacked in a corner, and found a real gem. On top of all the awesome old toys of mine that I stumbled upon (Zbots, anyone?), I found a box completely full with old VHS tapes. And as I made my way to the bottom of the box-o-nostalgia, I came across a six-series VHS set of…

BEETLEJUICE! BEETLEJUICE! BEETLEJUICE!

Please tell me you watched this show as a kid! The back of the box pretty much sums up everything you need to know: The Name in Laughter from the Hereafter is back – as the latest cartoon star of Saturday morning TV. Beetlejuice, the far-out, zoned-out, all-out Ghost with the Most comes hauntingly home in more all-new, fully-animated spookfests inspired by the Academy-Award-winning smash-hit movie and supervied by the film’s director, Tim Burton.

That’s fucking right- from 1989-1992, we had a Beetlejuice cartoon series. And guess what? It fucking ruled. Tim Burton actually developed and executive-produced the series, which aired on CBS and FOX, while Danny Elfman (Batman, Mars Attacks!, The Nightmare Before Christmas) provided one of his original, bizarre songs for the opening theme.

The series was loosely based on the movie, following super-goth Lydia Deetz and her friend Beetlejuice as they explored our favorite ghosts universe, The Netherworld. The Netherworld is a fucked up place filled with ghosts and monsters and zombies and ghouls and skeletons and fucking any weird shit Tim Burton could think of, where anything can happen. Looking back, this show is pretty damn creepy.

The art, music, and voice acting on this show is pretty awesome, and the story of each episode is funny and, like I mentioned earlier, surprisingly creepy. It’s incredible to look back at the stuff we’re were allowed to watch as kids…

Posted in Games, Uncategorized, Xbox | Tagged Batman, Batwoman, Beetlejuice, bully, cartoon, cartoons, Chase, City, comic, comic book, comic books, comics, Cougar, cowboy, cowboys, Danny Elfman, dead, Deadwood, Desolation Jones, epic, gamer, games, gaming, Grand Theft Auto, GTA, GTA3, GTA4, gun, Hell on Wheels, J.H. Williams III, john, Liberty, Liberty City, Manhunt, Mars Attacks!, marston, Max Payne, nostalgia, Ocean, Planetary, playstation, playstation 2, ps2, radpocalypse, radpocalypse.com, Red, Red Dead Redemption, redemption, revolver, rockstar, Saturday Morning cartoons, Sony, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Tim Burton, Transmetropolitan, Undead, VHS, video, video game, video games, videogames, zombie, Zombies | Comments Off

Judge Dredd

Posted on September 15, 2012 by HeyItsKamo

posted by @HeyItsKamo

Listen up, civilian: I fucking love Judge Dredd. I am a life-long fan of the comic series, and a big reason for that is this film. Despite its poor reviews (“poor” is probably not strong enough of a word here), I still enjoy this movie as much as I did when I first saw it at age eight. Critics call it “self-destructive, unoriginal, dreadful, flat, and uninspiring,” but this movie wasn’t made for those people; this isn’t Rear Window, this isn’t for film snobs.

This is the universes favorite lawman brought to life! This is the same guy, who in one issue of the comic book, gleefully watched a couple of scumbags get eaten by a giant mutant plant. Unoriginal my ass.

This movie does a lot of things right in respect to the comic book and setting a tone for the world that Judge Dredd is set in: a “modern city” in the year 2139. The opening scene shows the scale of the main setting in the film, Mega-City One- outside the gigantic metal walls that protect the city is nothing but a cracked and barren desert, while inside the viewer is shown the vast, but at the same time extremely crowded cityscape. The population is a staggering 65-million, which brings up a lot of questions: how do these people get clean air and water? What about shelter? Food? Overcrowding is a serious problem here, and shit has really gotten out of hand.

The future-day Mecca is located in what used to be New York City, so the Statue of Liberty can be seen hanging out in the middle of a small square, but when the camera pans out on the giant statue, we see that it is completely dwarfed by monstrous CGI buildings.

I really love the way the setting was brought in here, it’s kind of like if Dune collided with The Fifth Element: barren wasteland surrounds a gigantic city of the future, set with flying cars and skyscraper-sized advertisements. One the one hand you have a civilization at the peak of its technological prowess, but on the other you have a desolate, unforgiving, and depleted landscape.

Right off the bat, this movie kind of threw me for a loop. One of the more bizarre parts of this flick (and there are a lot to choose from) is the beginning scroll screen/opening crawl that is narrated by James Earl Jones. It’s not strange that they decided to go with a text crawl to set the tone of the movie and supply some back-story, or even that they hired one of the best known voice actors in the business to record the monologue- it’s just weird that it’s the only part of the movie James Earl Jones is in. That’s it. He’s not a character featured in the film, he doesn’t voice a robot or anything like that… he doesn’t even wrap the movie with another voice-over.

“In the third millennium, the world changed. Climate. Nations. All were in upheaval… the Earth transformed into a poisonous scorched desert, known as “the Cursed Earth”. Millions of people crowded into a few mega cities where roving bands of street savages created violence the justice system could not control. Law as we know it collapsed. From the decay rose a new order. A society ruled by a new elite force… a force with the power to dispense both justice and punishment… they were the police, jury and executioner all in one.” -James Earl Jones (just before he got a huge check)

Order in the Court… all rise for the honorable Judge muh’fuckin Too $hort

The Computer-generated Imagery in Judge Dredd isn’t awful for 1995, although we’re also talking about the same year films like Toy Story, Jumanji, Waterworld, Casper, and Apollo 13 were released, so… they maybe could have done better by comparison. The buildings/city and flying cars look cool enough, and there’s not a ton of noticeably bad CGI, so it has that going for it I guess.

I also have to applaud the great job done of showing chaos in the streets and overall lunacy that the citizens of this future city display. Riots, or “block wars”, in the film show how unruly the public is in this futuristic world, and this does a fine job of telling the viewer that there’s a reason there need to be “judges” that can fucking kill you without a second thought.

The first glimpse of said judges is when a pair respond to a block war in Heavenly Haven, the slum part of town newly released convict Herman “Fergee” Ferguson (played by Rob Schneider – ugh… he’s literally in cargo shorts the whole fucking time) is living in. Ferguson is a main character in this flick, a hacker/jailbird that is forced to pair up with Dredd later on in the movie.

The uniforms look cool, but it’s not until they call for back-up that we get a good look at how it was meant to be worn. Riding his bike through gun fire, choas and flames comes Judge Dredd (played by Sylvester Stallone, as if you didn’t know already), and he looks bad as fuck.

“I am… the LAW!” he announces to all the scumbags as he stands in the middle of the fucking street and taunts everyone shooting at him despite being a sitting duck for crossfire. I have to admit, he looks JUST LIKE DREDD; Seeing Stallone as our favorite judge is by far the best part of the movie. Whoever did the costume design on this one should have won something for their hard work. From the golden eagle shoulder pads, complete with huge golden chain attached to an even bigger golden badge on the judges chest, it looks so over the top (also a Stallone film) and stays true to the comic. The black helmet with red trim, topped off with the dark visor… it’s spot on. Even the knee pads and boots are perfectly over-sized!

The motorcycle Stallone comes out on looks just like the Mark IV Lawmaster from the comic series, although the tires aren’t even close to being the right size. It was a sensory overload seeing Dredd for the first time- from the costume to the motorcycle, it brought back a ton of nostalgic feelings from my childhood; it gave me a serious case of the chubbs.

So Dredd’s finally on the scene and he has a pretty good exchange with the lady judge that called for backup earlier on. Dredd: “What are you doing?” Lady Judge: *crouching behind a car* “Waiting for backup!” Dredd: *pulls out a fucking huge gun* “…it’s here.”

So then Dredd predictably goes absolutely ape shit and fucking kills everyone. No, really; I don’t think you understand. The number of people he kills in this movie and the amount of property damage he does is nonsensical. It’s almost cliche, like a cop movie where the chief of police yells at his top detective for destroying twenty cars all to rescue a kitten from a tree- but in this case it’s straight up destruction and murder. His gun is brutal and seems to have a never ending supply of bullets. His weapon, a big ass pistol looking thing, has a bunch of different settings (this is the future): rapid fire, armor piercing, double whammy (two streams of bullets shoot out, which reminded me of Contra for some reason), a grenade launcher… all of which he uses with gratis.

There are a million corny lines in this movie, and this whole scene is chock full of them. Some of my favorites include, “This room has been pacified” after he kills like 20 bad guys, “You’re under arrest. Throw down your weapons and prepare to be judged” is another good one, but my personal favorite is: Dredd: “You’ve been convicted of killing a street judge.” Criminal: *reaches for the gun tucked in his waist* “Let me guess: life?” Dredd: *SHOOTS HIM IN THE FUCKING FACE* “…DEATH.”

hi : ]

I’d like to stop right here and say that no one else could have played this role as good as Stallone did. The new flick has Karl Urban (Star Trek, Red, The Lord of the Rings) playing Dredd, which isn’t a bad choice- frankly, I can’t wait to see it and I’m sure he’ll do a great job. But Stallone… he was such a perfect choice because he’s almost like a living cartoon in his own right. He overexaggertates and enunciates all of his words, it looks so cartoonish and perfect, almost like… a comic book character.

One of my favorite scenes in this film: Dredd shoots a gernade at a dudes car because after he gets pulled over and it’s discovered that he has three previous DWIs and is driving on a suspended license, he starts to mouth off to our judge. After realizing he’s talking to Judge Dredd, his tone changes but it’s already too late. The encounter goes something like… Dredd: “How do you plead?” Asshole: “Not guilty!” Dredd: “I knew you’d say that…” *car gets blown the fuck up*

This leads me in to my next point: everyone is fucking terrified of Judge Dredd. I love that this movie constantly acknowledges this point because it’s one of my favorite parts in the comic book. Panel after panel, bad guys flip the fuck out when they realize Dredd is on the scene. But again, it can’t be all good…

One thing in this movie I didn’t much care for was Rob Schneider. It’s not that I don’t like him or his acting (he’s typecast and it’s not his fault), it’s just that his character should have been cut out completely or at least replaced by an attractive female part. He’s little more than comic relief, not adding much to the story and almost ruining some scenes with his bullshit (again, not his fault- they wrote his character to be an annoying schmuck); a female part would have at least been nice to look at. But I was thinking… if the movie was made today, that character would definitely be played by Shia LeBeouf. Shia LeBeouf is Rob Schneider if Rob Schneider was given serious, leading roles.

Stallone in a futuristic setting is one of my favorite types of movies: first we had Demolition Man (also with Schneider), then came Judge Dredd. I think that this movie was entertaining even if the viewer wasn’t familiar with the comic series. I was disappointed that they showed Dredd’s face, but when you pay an actor as much as they gave Stallone for this picture, he has to get some face time.

Overall, this movie was worth at least a one-time viewing. If your a fan of the comic series, there are a lot of things in this film that stay true… but there are just as many things they fucked up. Personally, it was just great being able to see this character brought to life and I’ll gladly go see the next installment in the series.

Alright, maggots: court is adjourned.

Posted in Comic Books, Games, Movies, Uncategorized | Tagged 2139, 3D, action, adventure, Apollo 13, book, Casper, cgi, comic, comic book, comic books, comicbook, comicbooks, crime, Darth Vader, death, Demolition Man, Dredd, Dredd 3D, dune, film, film review, films, James Earl Jones, judge, Judge Dredd, Jumanji, mega-city one, movie, movie review, movie reviews, movies, mutant, mutants, opening crawl, Red, review, Rob Schneider, Shia LeBeouf, Sly, Stallone, Star Trek, Sylvester Stallone, the fifth element, The Lord of the Rings, Toy Story, Waterworld | Comments Off

What if the Movie Version of DOOM Didn’t Suck?

Posted on September 14, 2012 by stevehatesu

posted by @SteveHatesU

Let’s imagine for a moment that you’re some hotshot movie producer and your production company has officially run out of good ideas. You’re desperate to crank out a Summer Blockbuster, but it’s too risky to go with one of the thousands of original scripts piling up on your desk. You’ve noticed a trend lately where more and more movies that are based on popular video game franchises are coming out. The fan base is already there. The stories are already written; all we have to do is adapt them for the big screen.

Perfect! So which one do we go with?

Resident Evil!

I loved that game! But, oh shit, it’s already been done. And it was pretty bad. Well, what can we do that’s like Resident Evil but better?

Silent Hill?!

Nah, I heard they’re already working on that.

Hey! Remember DOOM?

Yeah…?

No, I mean do you really fucking remember DOOM?

The original and still the best – image c/o wikipedia.org

So it kind of seems like a no-brainer here. DOOM is hands down one of the best video game franchises in history. It may not have started the first person shooter genre, but it certainly popularized it. The game lends itself perfectly to make a solid, action-packed, super gory explosionfest similar to the likes of Predator, Terminator 2, Total Recall, Kindergar– IS ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER TOO OLD TO BE IN THIS MOVIE?! You know who isn’t too old and is just coming off of doing a bunch of solid action flicks? The fucking Rock, that’s who!

Seriously though, do you remember how ridiculous your boner was when you heard that they cast Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to star in the movie adaptation for DOOM? I remember mine; it actually broke the pair of pants I was wearing at the time. I had to buy new pants!

Alright, we’re on the right track! We’ve got the license to produce a movie based on the popular video game franchise, DOOM. We’ve got the next big king of action movies to star in it, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

And Karl Ubran!

Wait, what?

Yeah! Karl Urban!

Uh, why?

Why the fuck not?! He was Eomer in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. He’s hot!

Yeah, but I don’t really see why we need him, I mean – we have The fucking Rock.

We need Eomer too, alright?

Fine, hire Keith Urban.

KARL Urban!

WHATEVER! Do we even have a fucking script yet?

Oh and now the hard part! For the sake of brevity, let’s take a look at just the first game in the series (ideally what the movie would be based on).

The story is actually pretty simple, especially by today’s Hideo Kojima-like standards. You play as a space marine, designated for assignment on one of the two moons of Mars, Phobos, as punishment for assaulting your commanding officer after the prick ordered your unit to open fire on civilians. Phobos, along with its sister moon, Deimos, are the sites where the Union Aerospace Corporation (UAC) is conducting various teleportation experiments by creating gateways between the two moons. During one of the experiments, the computer system begins to malfunction. After Deimos mysteriously disappears, the gateway on Phobos opens up and something “fragging evil” comes out, possessing or killing everyone in sight. A squad of marines is then summoned to investigate while you’re stuck guarding the hangar. Soon, all radio contact with the squad is cut off, leaving just you to stop the onslaught of demons from invading and attacking Earth.

>:( – image c/o thatmoviesite.com

There are three episodes containing eight levels each. After each episode, the story line is advanced by scrolling text (lay off – it was 1993, OK?). After fighting through Phobos, you find a gateway to the lost moon, Deimos. While on Deimos, you discover the moon has been transported to just a bit outside the gates of Hell. After battling through Hell and stopping the mastermind behind the invasion, you’re transported back to Earth. All seems serene and peaceful until the camera pans over to show that you were too late; Hell is empty, the devils are here.

Even though we’re talking about transitioning this story line to the big screen, the gameplay is very important to keep in mind. This is not, I repeat, NOT survival horror. You’re not conserving ammo, you’re not hiding from the boogeyman, you sure as shit aren’t praying that nothing will be around the corner waiting to rip your head off. Your mission is to destroy every mother fucker that comes out of that portal from Hell. Your objective is to shove a double-barrel shotgun up a demon’s ass and pull the fucking trigger until it goes “click”. Your purpose in life is find a rocket launcher that can shoot rockets faster than you can say, “suck my boomstick!” so that you can paint the already blood-soaked walls of Hell with a fresh coat of demon guts. You’re a pissed off space marine with heavy armaments, a strong back, and an itchy trigger finger.

There’s no way we can fuck this up!

Oh hey, we fucked it up…

Remember when you were a kid in elementary school and you had to do a venn diagram, showing the differences and similarities between, say, a book and its movie adaptation? Well let’s do that, but with DOOM.

Similarities: It’s called DOOM.

And now the differences: Instead of one tough-as-nails space marine we get eight quirky space marines. And hey! They even have a really cute name: The Rapid Response Tactical Squad (RRTS) Hellfighters. Aw… that’s adorable. Instead of a gateway to Hell being opened up, we have the discovery of a 24th Martian chromosome which, when injected into a normal human, either transforms them into raging zombies, or super humans (depending on how much “good” they have inside them). Instead of an army of Imps, Demons, Spectres, Cacodemons, Lost Souls, Barons of Hell, Cyberdemons and Spiderdemons, our villains are zombies (not in DOOM) and a Hell Knight (from DOOM 3). Did anyone involved with the making of this movie ever play DOOM?

Since The Rock, or “Sarge”, turns out to be a total dick and just wants to kill everyone, I guess our Doomguy for this movie is Karl Urban or John “Reaper” Grimm….oh I fucking get it now! “Reaper Grimm – Grimm Reaper”. Clever shit, man. Reaper has a twin sister who is a scientist and does things throughout the movie. There’s also a guy who’s completely missing the lower half of his body and moves around on Professor X’s wheel chair. I guess he does stuff during the movie, too. Since this isn’t technically a review of the movie, I’ll keep my opinion short and sweet: it really fucking sucks.

What if it didn’t suck, though?

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against Karl Urban, but what was the point of casting him as the protagonist if you already had The Rock on board? Was it the other way around? Was Urban signed on before The Rock? Did they doubt their ability to put asses in the seats with a movie based on DOOM, so they tried appealing to the WWF/WWE crowd? Whatever the case, pick one – not both. There’s one Doomguy, not many Doomguys (don’t get semantical – multiplayer doesn’t count). If you want those other marines to be around, fine, but have them all get possessed by demons or killed right away. RIGHT AWAY!

Also, this isn’t fucking Resident Evil…in space…Dead Space. This isn’t Dead Space! This is DOOM. There aren’t any zombies, just demons. There isn’t some “virus” or “infection” or “chromosome”, just a portal to Hell. I want to see Imps and Demons get blown apart by Doomguy. I want to see Doomguy drop into Hell and battle Spectres, Cacodemons and Lost Souls! I want Doomguy to have the most epic, balls out, brutal, heavy-metal throw down with the Cyberdemon. And I want all of these demons to be brought to life on screen with practical effects! Limit the fuck out of use of CGI. And you know what, while we’re at it, if you can’t produce a movie scene that looks like this, just don’t fucking make horror movies!

Speaking of visuals, let’s see Hell! Turn it out, man. Let’s make this evil as fuck! I want to see pentagrams, inverted crosses, goat heads, the Time Warner Logo – anything associated with evil. I want pools of blood and lava and bones everywhere! Towers of corpses reaching up to as far as the eye can see! The transition from the sterile space station to the pit of hell needs to be the most dramatic, haunting and disturbing thing ever put to film.

Conversely though, just like in the video game, Doomguy needs to not give a fuck! He gets off on this shit! Surrounded on all sides by nothing but pure evil? So fucking what?! This guy’s got nothing to lose. He has to stop Hell from invading Earth. He’s going to use his elite training and his thirst for combat to bury all of the minions of Hell under his boots. Of the two choices between The Rock and Karl Urban, I smell what The Rock is cookin’!

Say… you fellas look a bit lost… – image c/o psx-scene.com

There obviously needs to be some substance with the movie in terms of dialogue and storyline, otherwise you just have a 45 minute long music video. Throw in a few characters that Doomguy meets along the way. Maybe a sniveling, wormy-guy that acts as the comic relief and even gets Doomguy out of a few sticky situations. Give Doomguy some independent hot chick to banter back and fourth with until she eventually succumbs to his gun oil soaked “charm”. Give him a commanding officer that guides him through the space station, loses contact with him in Hell, and eventually betrays him – revealing this was all a set up. At this point, I almost don’t care how canned or cliche the storyline is, just give me a proper translation from the game.

Honestly, I’m not surprised the movie sucked. Making a movie based off of a popular video game is apparently a death wish. Hell, call this movie anything but DOOM and you might even have a semi-decent action/horror flick. It’s the legacy that drags it down. You’ve got to be too tough for Hell to live up to the expectations this game brings. And what if the movie version of DOOM didn’t suck? Well, we’d probably have a trilogy of movies and The Rock probably wouldn’t have been in Gridiron Gang or the Tooth Fairy. So, yeah, our lives would have totally been changed for the better…or something.

Like this article? Fucking hate it? Let Stephen know in the comments section!

Posted in Games, Movies, Uncategorized | Tagged action, adventure, Arnold Schwarzenegger, cgi, computer game, console, Cyberdemons, Dead Space, Deimos, demon, demons, Doom, Doom 3D, Doom 64, Doomguy, Eomer, Evil, gamers, gaming, Gridiron Gang, Hell. Earth, horror, Karl Urban, Keith Urban, marine, marines, Mars, martian, movie, movies, N64, Nintendo, Nintendo 64, PC, Phobos, Predator, Resident Evil, space, space marine, space marines, survival, teleportation, teleporter, Terminator 2, The Lord of the Rings, The Rock, Tooth Fairy, Total Recall, Undead, video game, video games, videogame, videogames, virus, wrestling, WWE, WWF, zombie, Zombies | 2 Comments

NES – the Beginning

Posted on September 13, 2012 by omaraeverytime

posted by @Omara_Mike

I don’t remember the exact day that I got my NES, which should give you a hint as to how young I was.

The story goes: my Dad bought me a Nintendo Entertainment System for a birthday gift; I was so immediately addicted that it scared my Mom. I’m sure my eyes bugged out of my head and my jaw hit the ground. I might have even learned how to say, “Oh, FUCK THAT!” the first time Lakitu dropped a Spiny Egg on Mario (yeah.. keep riding on that cloud you cowardly fuck). She took the NES away from me and I honestly forgot that it had it (for some reason).

I do remember the day that my Mom opened the hallway closet, a door that I opened many times before, reached far past the winter jackets and lifted out a box that read Nintendo Entertainment System. I think I held it over my head in triumph, the Zelda treasure chest music playing as I proceeded to urinate in my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pajamas.

All I had was the Super Mario Bros./Duckhunt split cartridge, but it was more than enough. From the second I placed that gray cart into the slot, pressed it down into place, closed the cover, pressed that power button and hit start, that was the exact moment that my life changed. This is no exaggeration- I am now 27 and still live for video games. They are such a huge part of my life and I have such respect for anyone who creates games or shares the same level of love that I have. Honestly, if you say the words Super Mario, who doesn’t immediately hear the legendary song from World 1-1. If they don’t know what that is, harass them about their Bieber haircut and shoot them with the Nintendo Zapper- maybe that damn dog will laugh at them too.

Laugh it up, fuzzball

Right off the bat, Super Mario Bros grabs you by the tip of your mushroom and shoves it straight into a warp pipe. There is a damn walking mushroom that wants to kill you! Yes, I am fully aware they are Goombas, but it’s a walking mushroom that is so potent he kills our overall-wearing hero instantly! And who can say that they weren’t amazed the first time they played the underwater level. I ~~think~~ am certain that I sprouted my first erection.

Legend… (wait for it) DARY!!!

Anyways, the main point of the game is to get Princess Toadstool back from that bastard Bowser. Mario will run, jump, swim and power-up all across the Mushroom Kingdom to get his girl back. Once you reach one of Bowser’s many castles (where does he get the money for all of these?), you make your way over pits of fire and spinning flame wands, until you come face-to-face with that ugly sonofabitch. After pelting him with fireballs or dropping him into his own fire pit, you reach one of the loyal guards of Princess Toadstool, known as Toad. After everything you’ve done, all he has for you is the now infamous phrase, “Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle”. This game is an absolute classic- it defined what a platformer should be.

What can I say about Duck Hunt? You have an orange (or grey, depending on how early you purchased your NES) Zapper and you get to blast ducks out of the air. Based on the odd zig-zag pattern they fly in, I can only assume they’ve been drinking or partaking in psychedelics; no duck should fly like that. Also, the entire world is well aware that you’re trying to kill this mallard. I know this because when you fail to make that bastard do a 720 nose dive, the world congratulates the duck on his escape from death and offers him a beautiful sunset to “Fly Away” into… bastards.

I hope you fly into a turbine engine, dick

I still have my NES and it is still in perfect working condition. I plan on passing it down to my children some day and show them all the great games that I grew up on from 1985 and on, since I fully believe that I was born at the perfect time. It’s a period that I like to call The Golden Age of Gaming. But we’ll save that for a different article.

Like this article? Fucking hate it? Let Mike know in the comments section!

Posted in NES, Nintendo, Super Mario | Tagged 1985, Bieber, Bowser, castle, Duck Hunt, gamer, gamers, games, gaming, gaming systems, Goomba, Mario, Mushroom Kingdom, NES, Nintendo Entertainment System, Princess, Princess Toadstool, radpocalypse, radpocalypse.com, SNES, Super Mario, Super Mario Bros., technology, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The Princess, TMNT, Toad, video, video game, video games, videogame, World 1-1 | 2 Comments

The iPhone 5 is a Disappointing Piece of Shit

Posted on September 13, 2012 by HeyItsKamo

posted by Nick Wisniewski

The launch of Apple’s latest device has arguably been the most anticipated
new gadget of 2012. Even with the leaked pictures that have made their way on to
the internet over the past few weeks, consumers and techies alike were still
anxiously anticipating the official announcement of the new iPhone. Today was the
day- the iPhone 5 is finally here and with it, a huge bag of disappointment for all
parties involved.

Apple revolutionized the cell phone industry with the launch of the
iPhone 4 on June 24, 2010. An exhaustive redesign from previous versions, the 4
was a stunning piece of technology. It was fast, the camera was amazing, the screen
resolution was something we had never seen before, and they revamped the entire
operating system. Most of all? It was pretty. That phone could have been considered a
work of art with its smooth edges, glass back and aluminum edges; it was cool to
own an iPhone and everybody wanted it. The device flew off shelves faster than any
phone had previously. It was new, it was cutting edge, and it put Apple on the top of
the smartphone world.

To remain there, Apple had to follow up their most popular device with
something even better. There was some speculation as to whether the follow up
device would be a refresh on the current model or a complete design change from
the 4. With much hype, Apple announced a keynote event scheduled for October last
year. And to much disappointment, they unveiled the iPhone 4S: a copy of the
previous model with upgraded guts and a voice recognition program that still
doesn’t work correctly. Snore.

But that’s ok, we didn’t really expect the iPhone 5 that early anyway- Apple
wasn’t done milking the cash cow. Sure, Android was doing some pretty amazing
things and gobbling up the worldwide smartphone market share, but the 4S still
sold well. Really well actually. But the numbers have dwindled with the anticipation
of the aforementioned iPhone 5.

Finally, after more than two years of waiting, Apple announced a wireless
event for the official unveiling of their newest gadget. That event was today. Apple
CEO Tim Cook walked out onto the stage and finally gave us a look at the iPhone 5.
And then collective blood pressure of everyone in the audience started to spike. All I
was hoping for was to not be completely disappointed…and I was COMPLETELY
DISAPPOINTED.

The iPhone 5 added a measly half an inch of screen size to an already tiny screen, while keeping the design of the rest of the phone almost exactly the same. They changed the pin connector for no apparent reason, and ignored almost every feature that has made Android number one. Sure, they upgraded the internals of the phone: it’s slightly faster and the camera functions are improved, but nothing that isn’t expected in any new device. I’m still not sure that this new phone isn’t a joke and the real phone will be announced tomorrow…

The most disappointing part of this new device is that there isn’t anything
innovative, which is what Apple has built its empire on. New cutting edge technology
that leaves its competitors scrambling to catch up. They spent two years of research
and development creating a new phone that is already behind its competitors. Apple was the company that everyone else was trying to copy, and now they’re the one being left in the dust. The irony here, of course, is that Apple just won a one billion dollar lawsuit against Samsung for patent infringement. They need to invest some of that money into smelling salts because, today, Apple put a lot of us to sleep.

Like this article? Hate it? Let Nick know in the comments section!

Posted in Technology | Tagged Android, Apple, cell phone, cellphone, cutting edge, iPhone, iPhone 4, iPhone 4s, iPhone 5, keynote, oreo, radpocalypse, radpocalypse.com, smart phone, smartphone, smartphones, Steve Jobs, tech, technology, Tim Cook | 4 Comments

5 of the Weirdest SEGA Genesis Games

Posted on September 10, 2012 by HeyItsKamo

posted by @HeyItsKamo

One time, it was the ’90s and we accepted a video game about a blue hedgehog that ran fast and collected gold. Here’s a look at some of the weirdest video games on the SEGA Genesis.

ToeJam & Earl (1991) – have you ever been so high that you, like, made a video game?

If you’ve played TJ&E (or its sequel, ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron), you’ll know exactly what I mean. This game took up a lot of my SEGA time when I was a kid, even though I had no idea what the hell was going on. I pretty much still don’t…

If it came down to it and I made a video review of TJ&E, it would be nothing but game play shots and me screaming the word “funky” over and over. The story follows two rapping space aliens (did i mention how funky they are!?), ToeJam and the husky Hawaiian-shorts sporting Earl, as they fly through space, crash-land on Earth (so funky), and then try and reconstruct their broken ship so they can gtfo. A two-player game, the layout of this one is a bit… odd- you control your player from a top-down view, moving in all directions as you traverse the exceedingly more bizarre terrain of each randomly generated level.

The main objective of this one is to collect pieces of your broken ship so you can rocket yourself off the planet, but that’s not the main point of the game. While looking for parts of your ship, you discover that the main goal in TJ&E is to collect colorful wrapped gifts that contain a random array of shit: shoes that let you run fast as fuck, extra lives, tomatoes to throw at enemies, telephones that open up more parts of the map, and plenty of other good stuff (my personal favorite item is the spring shoes, you just have to be careful on the narrow pathways)… but there’s always a downside, isn’t there? Gifts can be bad, too- swarms of bees, rocket skates that you have little control over (good luck staying on land), instant death, rain clouds that shock you with bolts of lightning… why couldn’t it just be a sweater or some similar crappy gift?

TJ&E is easy-going compared to other games (the objective is to collect parts of a ship, and there’s really not much standing in your way), you just need to be careful around some enemies (cheese tornadoes especially). Herds of nerds, arrow shooting cupids, crazy dentist/mad scientist looking mother fuckers, hawaiian dancers (you can’t pass one without stopping to do the Hula, which is bad news if your getting chased down by another enemy), shopping cart ladies, bee swarms, invisible men (fuck those guys. Seriously), and a plethora of other enemies stand in your way, but… barely.

The most recognizable part of this game, besides the wacky characters and the between level elevator cut-scenes that would give most kids today a fucking seizure, would have to be the music. If you asked someone to describe it, the words “weird”, “funky”, “90s” and “electronic” would be brought up. Hip-hop, I guess? It was a mix of strange bass lines with record scratches, a mandolin-keyboard mix… fuck, I don’t know- it was just so unusual, but that’s what made it so fantastic (not to mention ’90s).

From the crazy music and characters, not to mention the design of the game and the astounding ’90s nostalgia factor, this is by far one of the strangest titles we’ve ever played… and it’s just so damn funky.

Sonic the Hedgehog (1991) – As far as video games go, particularly 2D side-scrolling platformers, Sonic is at the top. I don’t need to sit here and write about how good of a time this game is; we all love this dude. But if this isn’t one of the most fucked up games you’ve ever played, then you’ve got some dank weed and what’s your dealers number?

Let’s forget how awesome this game is for a second and take a look at the story of Sonic the Hedgehog, because it’s by far the weirdest on this list. A cartoon hedgehog (hedgehogs are not known to be fast creatures) is fast as fuck and runs around killing bug-robots and collecting gold rings and Chaos Emeralds, in hopes of defeating Dr. Robotnik, a mustachioed mad scientist who spends his days making weird flying machines and turning animals into the previously mentioned bug-robots.

Aside from the bug-robots trying to kill(?) him, Sonic has to avoid other hazards on each level, such as bottomless pits, sections of chrome spikes, god damn slowly rising water that will drown you, fucking lava (and not just regular lava, we’re talking lava water falls. We’re talking balls of lava that will shoot straight up Sonic’s asshole – also, what the hell was it with lava waterfalls and video games?). And to top it off, at the end of each zone in the game, Sonic has to fight a boss battle against Dr. Robotnik who is riding in one of his poorly designed, easily defeat-able vehicles. Seriously, if Sonic had a handful of rocks and relatively good aim, he’d be able to fuck Robotnik’s shit up without breaking a sweat. Instead, he has to hurl his body in to the side of the vehicle, breaking ribs or at least bruising himself up.

And why did Sonic collect Chaos Emeralds? They’re not worth as much as diamonds, the developers couldn’t use diamonds? What about rubies? And they weren’t even emeralds! Them shits are green and the stuff Sonic collected were a variety of colors. Maybe Dr. Robotnik produced them in his lab, right alongside the machine with the giant wooden wrecking ball on the bottom of it?

I’d also like to add a side-note here: did you ever notice how mad Sonic looked all the time? Like, way too mad? What’s up with that?

To me, the biggest question in this game is why did Sonic even give a shit? Nothing was really at stake here- the only positive is when he defeats the robots, he rescues some chipmunks. Sonic is fast and could easily out-run anything Robotnik threw his way. He was in no danger of becoming a robot and gained nothing from defeating his human(?) nemesis (except maybe the gold rings, but what would he do with them? Spend them at the casino level? Buy new shoes? All-you-can-eat chili dog party?).

Also, what was Robotnik looking to gain from doing the wacky shit that he did? What was his end game? I suppose natural resources, but we never saw him mining/harvesting anything. Clean water, lava, lumber, plus the millions of dollars he could have gained in the gold coins and emeralds scattered throughout the world, I can see why he would attempt to gain control of that region, but it doesn’t seem like that was the reason for his bat-shit craziness. The amount of money and resources needed to fund his inventions and create the strange bug-robots (not to mention the traps on each level, plus we need to factor in the monthly mustache wax bill) would have left him financially crippled, so there’s that I guess.

Weird plot and weird characters, but dammit Sonic, we put all that shit aside because we just love you so much.

BoogerMan: A Pick and Flick Adventure (1994) – My old man and I spent days playing this game. It’s one of the few video games we bonded over and it’s obvious to see why: burps, farts, boogers. Published by Interplay Entertainment (the same motherfuckers that produced Mario Teaches Typing!), this 2D platformer follows eccentric millionaire-turned-superhero Snotty Ragsdale, better known as BoogerMan, on one hell of a gross adventure.

The story opens with Ragsdale traveling to the laboratory of Professor Stinkbaum, the latter having just completed a revolutionary new device that will eliminate all pollution by transporting it to another world, a strange place known as Dimension X-crement. When the device is first activated, a portal opens and an ominous gloved arm reaches through and grabs the main power supply of the invention. Ragsdale decides to suit up as his alter ego, BoogerMan, and pursue the arm to parts unknown and take back the key to Stinkbaum’s new invention.

That’s when shit gets weird (I know, right?). Boogerman descends into all kinds of fucked up gross Hell, slaying a plethora of disgusting monsters- from the Scab Creatures and Nose Slugs that patrol Boogerville… to the Fart Ghosts and Puss Creatures that block your path in the Flatulent Swamps. Hell, even the standard baddies, the Nose Goblins, look gross as heck. Predictably, the weird dial goes up to 11 when it’s time for the boss battles.

Hick Boy, a one time military man, tries to kick your ass with the help of his trusty chicken (the Chickenerang attack is particularly devastating, but watch out when that damn chicken goes into Egg Launcher mode). A later enemy, Flyboy, attacks you with Vomit Bombs and Maggot Missles; Booger Meister (the final boss) is a man made completely of snot.

A bit more about Booger Meister’s back-story, taken straight from the game manual: “Little is known about this guy other than the fact that he rules Dimension X-crement with an iron butt. It is said he lost his butt in a recent attempt to duplicate Boogerman’s Super Flaming Fart attack with tragic results.”

This game plays a bit like other platformers, with your character collecting items (instead of gold coins or rings, it’s plungers and pimples) and receiving various power-ups. Some of the collectibles in BoogerMan include cans of beans that regenerate the gas meter (burp & fart attacks), boogers replenish your… booger supply (flicking booger attacks), collecting a chili pepper will give you flaming farts and burps as well as the power to fly (flaming farts let you soar upwards to do damage to enemies from above). Collecting milk bottles lets you damage enemies with powerful “loogie” attacks.

When it comes to weird games, there are no ifs and or butts about it- this one was… an easy pick :)

Earthworm Jim (1994) – This game gets my dick hard. Honestly, I could write an entire post about how rad this game is, I really love it that much. The idea alone is insane, the gameplay is even crazier… except it works. But again, I’m going to need y’all to step the fuck back and look at what we’re dealing with here.

Developed by Shiny Entertainment (they also made MDK, which is another super weird game) and Playmates Interactive Entertainment (primarily a toy company, they own the rights to a shit-load of toys, from Coneheads to EWJ, from Family Guy to the Toxic Crusaders), EWJ is a tale as old as time: an earthworm named Jim dons a newly found robotic suit to face off against evil.

The story follows Jim through all kinds of crazy levels (at one point, you literally go to Hell, which i always thought was pretty awesome but now that I’m thinking about it… a kids game… Hell…) as he evades and defeats a whole mess of baddies on way to his primary objective: rescue and protect Princess What’s-Her-Name. Jim’s constantly looking over his shoulder because all of his enemies are trying to get their hands/hooves/etc. on his robotic suit.

Besides being the hardest to beat game on this list (try it on nightmare mode if you don’t believe me, fuckers), this is probably the strangest game mentioned. Little sense is made in EWJ, but that doesn’t matter- the characters and gameplay, not to mention design and art, really make this one of the best playing titles on the SEGA Genesis. The sound effects and music are great (I especially liked the tune on the Andy Asteroids/Tube Race level) in this title, and like all the games on this list, it has a ton of re-play value.

And if you don’t think the story is enough reason for EWJ to be on this list of weird games, I’d like to submit the following character names for your consideration:

Psy-Crow
Queen Slug-for-a-Butt
Evil the Cat
Bob the Killer Goldfish
Major Mucus
Professor Monkey-for-a-Head

Kid Chameleon (1992) – WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU? Everything?!

Another 2D side-scroller, the story of Kid C-bone (that’s what we call it) is a cool take on a (somewhat)old idea: the bad guy in a new virtual reality game down at the local arcade has come to life and if you don’t win, you’re FUCKING. DEAD. And guess what? Nobody fucking wins. That’s where KC steps in and decides to put an end to the nonsense.

You go through the game, all ONE-HUNDRED-AND-GOD-DAMN-THREE LEVELS, busting blocks with your head Mario-style and collecting the objects that fall from them: gems, clocks that put more time on the board, and masks that KC uses to turn into a variety of persona to jack up the enemies throughout the game. From a samurai that wields a deadly sword, to a rhino that can bust through walls when you run full-steam-ahead, there are nine different masks available in the game, all of which have different abilities. My personal favorite is the Jason Voorhees/Friday the 13th rip-off, a mask that turns KC into an axe throwing, hockey mask sporting maniac…

…OR WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING NAZI TANK?

Yep, one of the masks that falls look eerily similar to the Nazi death head symbol, and once you put it on KC turns into an army tank that shoots skulls. Also, he’s wearing a stahlhelm (German for “steel helmet”) so there’s really no way for these guys to save face- one of the characters in this game has a lot of similarities to Nazi symbolism.

And if that wasn’t enough, the weirdest part about this title is the level progression. Transporters litter each level, meaning you can start on level one and transport yourself to level seven, then find another god damn transporter and end up at level twenty… shit’s crazy, yo. It also makes the game really fun because every play can turn out different.

This game isn’t super high on the weirdness scale compared to the rest of the games in this post (although the comic book version that went under the same name was super weird, that shit did not port well), but the daunting amount of levels (note: there’s no save feature in this game), strange enemies (army-tank-face-rock-guy?), and overall unusual back story are a bit strange. The reason I think this game is so damn weird is…

Who the fuck is the main character based on?

I’ve thought about this long and hard (lol) and I’ve come to the conclusion that it has to be the son of some higher-up at SEGA whose asshole kid wouldn’t behave and this game was made as a peace offering. “God dammit, if I make you a video game will you clean your fucking room?” The art on the box, depicting the games protagonist (Casey. Get it, KC… like, Kid Chame- ahhh forget it), is far too specific to just be a random person that some designer made up. This character was directly based on a real person; I want to know who this kid is and why the hell he was on the cover instead of me. Jerk.

Like this article? Hate it? Like Mike know in the comments section!

Posted in Games, SEGA | Tagged 2D, 3D, 90s, action, arcade, battle, booger, Booger Man, boogers, boss battle, burp, burps, collect, Coneheads, creepy, Earthworm Jim, entertainment, EWJ, Family Guy, fart, farts, Friday the 13th, fuck, funky, game, gamers, games, gaming, Genesis, ghosts, gross, Jason Voorhees, Kid Chameleon, Knuckles, Mario, Mario Teaches Typing, millionaire, Nazi, Nazis, objective, platformer, radpocalypse, radpocalypse.com, samurai, scary, SEGA, SEGA Genesis, Sonic, Sonic the Hedgehog, spooky, stahlhelm, superhero, Tails, terrain, TJ&E, Toe Jam & Earl, video game, video games, videogame, videogames, yuck | Comments Off

Pick of the Week

Posted on September 10, 2012 by HeyItsKamo

The picks this week come from Ben (@bnjmnVONDOOM), Mike (@Omara_Mike), and Mike (@HeyItsKamo) respectively.

Comic Book

This weeks pick in comics is a six-issue limited series, Marvel 1985. Written by Mark Millar (Marvels Civil War, Kick-Ass, Old Man Logan) and illustrated by Tommy Lee Edwards (Turf, The Question mini series), this is one of the more imaginative series to come out since the turn of the century.

The story revolves around Toby Goodman, a quiet/somewhat depressed boy with divorced parents, and his father, Jerry Goodman, a brilliant but underachieving man who loves boning lady cops. Toby has just started getting back into comic books after a two year hiatus due to his mother being a totally right-minded person and ripping up all of Tobys shit. As he returns home from the comic shop, his dad is there to pick him up to spend some quality time with his son. The pair travel to the Wyncham mansion, which used to house Jerrys old bestfriend and current cripple, Clyde. As they approch the house, they’re greeted by a seedy looking man wearing cataract glasses and a fedo-do. The man offers Toby some boxes of comics that he’s found that belonged to Jerrys old friend.

It turns out that the box is filled with some good shit- first issues of Spider-Man, the X-Men, Hulk, and the Fantastic Four. Jerry tried taking the high road and told the man to get the books appraised, but to no avail. While his father is talking to the man, peeping-tom Toby is looking through all the windows in the house. He sees a figure in one of the windows that reveals himself a bit further, and it turns out to be the god damn Red Skull. Rational thought took over and the Tobester told one of his buddies about what he witnessed. Later that night, Toby overheard a news story about some sightings of a strange man (yikes). From a picture of the man, it was clear that he looked an awful lot like the Vulture. This sparked the boys curiosity, and he decided to venture through the woods in the middle of the night, trekking back to the Wyncham mansion. As Toby nears the house on his way through the woods, he hears some dudes talking. Getting a bit closer reveals the dialogue was between none other than Victor Von-mother-fuckin-Doom and Ol’ Cataract who turned out to be the Moleman (fuck, really?). The two seem to be discussing some bullshit plans about taking over this world and how Doom ain’t nobodys bitch boy. The kids surprise betrays him as he lets out a “JEEZ”. Dr. Doom hones right in on that shit and sends some ugly ass Moloids over to ruin any chance of that boy sleeping again. As Toby cheeses it the hell out of there, he trips over something. He looks up to discover it wasn’t a something but someone, and that someone was the giant ass INCREDIBLE HULK. How ’bout that shit?!

The rest of the series deals with how these ficticious villians are finding themselves in a world they don’t belong in and how Toby can summon the Fucktastic Spider-Man and his avenging bros to come and save the day. These jerks are getting into Tobys world somehow, and he’s determined to figure it out.

This series was written by a man who has won multiple awards for writing in comics, but that doesn’t change the fact that this book can be a little cheesey at times. A Doctor Who reference, some MEGA stereotypical nerds running the comic book store… I don’t necessarily think that this tarnishes the combination of the writing and illustrations that give this series a definite 80’s action adventure movie vibe; I felt almost like i was watching Never Ending Story or The Goonies. Millar and Edwards really nailed down the feel of the times. It’s not so much that it’s the BEST written comic around, it’s just a lot of fucking FUN.

Speaking of the illustrations, that’s what really caught my eye about these books; it’s absolutely beautiful. I mean, did you see that god damn Hulk? That was one badass looking mother FUCKER. His old “neanderthal monster” look really fit here. Edwards’ style really brings the book together, a very modern take on a vintage style. He even totally shifts gears when Toby (spoilers) makes a trip to the Marvel U. The deep, somber colors and blacks are traded for a bright traditional comic book world. I just can’t say enough good things about the art here- Edwards really hit it out of the park. Homeboy probably shits Jackson Pollacks.

So the whole idea behind this book is that its set in Earth-1218, which is the Marvel representation of the “real world” in their titles. This always makes me stop for a second and imagine these things are actually happening- like, the amount of dookie that would come lunging out of my ringpiece if i saw Fin Fang Foom stomping around my city… it’s a staggering amount. Someone essentially wrote a book about my dreams: the Marvel Universe bleeding into our world. The whole series is incredibly charming and fun, and a worthy addition to any collection, especially at ten bucks!

COMIC BOOK FUCKITY FUN FACT: Jerry Goodmans crippled friend, Clyde Wyncham, is a re-occuring character in many of Millars recent works including Kick-Ass, Old Man Logan, and even his Fantastic Four run. Millar has even stated that 1985 serves as Clydes origins story before he becomes the greatest villian of all time.

Game

Everyone knows how the balance of power fell during the Clone Wars- heated confrontations of Capture the Base.

I brought the Star Wars: Battlefront games out a few weeks ago, fully expecting to have just a few nostalgia filled hours on a quiet Sunday; I was wrong. These games continued to reside in my 360’s disc tray for weeks past that. How can a game that is approaching a decade in age, still hold up to this day? It must have something to do with the fact that there are so many different characters to choose from, but the the large variety of maps doesn’t hurt either. Want to play as an X-Wing pilot but ride a Tauntaun? Go ahead. How about a Wookie who has a grenade launcher? Want to play as a droid sniper? Neither do I.

Between the fast paced arcade action, well balanced maps and ability to play as many different characters, it is a game that you can still thoroughly enjoy. Go to your nearest used game store or find this gem on eBay. You won’t regret it.

Also, nothing compares to the sheer joy of blasting a Gungan.

Book

God damn do I love the shit Stephen King comes up with. This week I’m suggesting one of his books that I just finished (and couldn’t put down), Different Seasons. It’s a four title collection of some of King’s best short stories/novellas. King is the mother fucking master of horror, and while none of the tales in this book are about monsters in the typical sense (E.g. the Frankenstein monster), each one is serious and terrifying in its own right- the main theme throughout is the horror of human nature, corruption, and the terrible things man is capable of.

Hope Springs Eternal: Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption – a most satisfying tale of unjust imprisonment and offbeat escape. Summer of Corruption: Apt Pupil – a golden California schoolboy and an old man whose hideous past he uncovers enter into a fateful and chilling mutual parasitism. Fall from Innocence: The Body – four rambunctious young boys venture into the Maine woods and in sunlight and thunder find life, death, and intimations of their own mortality. A Winter’s Tale: The Breathing Method – a tale told in a strange club about a woman determined to give birth no matter what.

Honestly, I’d be hard pressed to name a better collection of King’s stories than Different Seasons. Three of the four have been adapted for film (The Body/Stand by Me, The Shawshank Redemption, and Apt Pupil), and after reading each story it’s easy to see why.

Apt Pupil is without a doubt my favorite selection in the book, but admitting to that is difficult when you see what other stories it’s up against. You’ve had 30 years to read this thing, so I’ll give you the basic synopsis without spoiling too much: through some serious damn detective work, a young boy (Todd) finds out that an ex-Nazi commander is living in his town. He -somewhat- blackmails the man into telling him about his time in the war, his role in the concentration camp Patin, and his life after fleeing from Germany when the war ended. From there, it’s a downward spiral for both parties- murder, lying, and a whole bunch of other crazy stuff from the mind that only Stephen King possesses.

Like these picks? Hate them? What would you have picked? Let us know in the comments section!

Posted in Books, Games, Movies, Star Wars | Tagged 1985, Apt Pupil, Battlefront, book, Books, Capture the Base, Clone Wars, comic, comic book, comic books, comicbook, comicbooks, Corey Feldman, creepy, David Schwimmer, dead, Different Seasons, escape, fall, Frankenstein, gamer, gamers, games, gaming, Germany, Hitler, Hulk, Ian McKellen, Jerry O'Connell, Kick-Ass, Kiefer Sutherland, killing, King, Luke Skywalker, Mark Millar, Marvel, Marvel 1985, Marvel Universe, Marvels Civil War, monster, Morgan Freeman, murder, Nazi, Nazis, Old Man Logan, prison, radpocalypse, radpocalypse.com, real world, Red Skull, Rita Hayworth, Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption, River Phoenix, Rob Reiner, scary, Spider-Man, spooky, spring, Stand By Me, Star Wars, Star Wars: Battlefront, Stephen, Stephen King, summer, Tauntaun, The Body, The Breathing Method, the Fantastic Four, The Question, Tim Robbins, Tommy Lee Edwards, Turf, Undead, video game, video games, videogame, videogames, Vulture, winter, wookie, Word War, Word War 2, X-Men, X-Wing, Xbox, xbox 360 | 1 Comment

Resident Evil 4 – an Undead Retrospective

Posted on September 9, 2012 by HeyItsKamo

posted by @SteveHatesU

What are ya buyin’? I always liked the Resident Evil series. Liked. Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of really fond memories of staying up all night playing the original games on PlayStation. To this day I trade cheesy-ass quotes from the original game with a very good friend of mine anytime I see him.

Resident Evil 4 – image c/o mobygames.com

Ultimately, I was too much of a pussy to really appreciate the survival horror aspect of those early games. I was a run-and-gun type of player; Conserving ammo just wasn’t my thing. In fact, I almost shit myself after the first time I ran out of ammo. The tank controls didn’t help either. It was one of those things where you eventually got used to it, but I would always spend at least 5 minutes in the beginning doing 360’s before my brain understood what to do with my thumbs.

I lost track of the series after Nemesis. At that point, I thought they’d never be able to top Resident Evil 2. I heard the fourth game was coming out and featured one of the main characters from the second installment, Leon Kennedy. Owning just a PlayStation 2, the release of Resident Evil 4 for the Gamecube flew completely under my radar. It wasn’t until a year later when they ported the game over to the PS2 did I have a chance to play it. I remember a friend of mine at work practically begged me to get it since he already owned the Gamecube version. Being the frugal gamer that I was, I read any reviews of the game I could get my hands on. The general consensus was that this game was “the best game of all time.” I would be stupid not to own it…

What are ya sellin’? I really liked what Capcom did with this installment of Resident Evil. They traded in those shitty tank controls for a nice 3rd person, over-the-shoulder view. They added a laser site on the gun so you can make precise shots on your target. They eliminated the ink ribbon system and allowed you to save for free at any typewriter. They introduced a creepy merchant that would buy, sell and upgrade your gear. They canned the super corny voice acting and hired some legit talent. They focused more on action, giving you ample amounts of ammo and forcing you into situations where you have to eliminate all enemy threats.

Despite being very action heavy, the game instills a great sense of fear by making the player feel isolated in a very large, foreign environment. Visually, the game has a very dark, dirty and grimy look. In terms of audio, the game’s lack of a soundtrack in certain areas is very unsettling, leaving you to only listen to the echo of footsteps, howls, groans and grunts. When there is music, it’s pulse-pounding and kicks your adrenaline up a few notches. This is a game I could – wait, why the fuck can’t I move when I’m aiming my gun?!

Not enough cash, stranger! The story takes place 6 years after the events of Raccoon City. Apparently, some of the fallout of that atomic blast altered Leon Kennedy’s hair color, voice and attitude. He joined up with some special branch of the military where they trained him to be an ultimate one-man army so that he could…guard the President’s family? So, wait…the Secret Service? He goes from being a cop for one day in a podunk little town to the Secret Service? Alright…

So, his first assignment is to go and rescue the President’s daughter, Ashley, after he apparently failed to do his job and protect her in the first place. I don’t think they ever tell you where exactly in Europe he goes, but they speak Spanish there, so…yeah, “Spanishland”.

Spanishland is home to a small religious cult named Los Illuminados. Instead of zombies, Leon will be fighting off hoards of crazed villagers/cultists that worship their leader, Lord Saddler. It turns out, these people aren’t just crazed, they’re infected with something called Las Plagas. These parasites give them advanced strength and make them incredibly hostile. Early in the game, Leon’s guides/translators pussy out and get themselves killed. His only contact is some out of place, oddly hot chick named Ingrid Hunnigan. Even more odd is how long the battery lasts on his FaceTime walkie-talkie.

Not only will you need cash, but you’ll need guts to buy that weapon I was so excited the first time I put this game in my PS2. I was planning to go on an all-day Resident Evil 4-a-thon until I got to the village. I swear to god, 10 minutes into the game and I’m stuck.

Leon stumbles across a sorority house – image c/o gamespy.com

I understand what they’re trying to do here, but I do not have the resources to fend off all of these psycho hillbillies. To make matters worse, one of them has a sack on his head and is wielding a chainsaw. There are two chainsaw guys?! MORE villagers are coming? Why, I’ll hide up in this tall tower. If they try to climb up after me, I’ll shoot them down. They’re lighting the tower on fire?!

I’m fucked. I am fucked. And I’m dead.

Do you know how many times I had to retry this part? I kept getting sort of better at it, but I just kept dying and eventually my patience wore out. I rage quit the game and refused to go back to it. Days later, my friend at work would ask me how much I loved Resident Evil 4.

Finally, I said, “fuck it” and I picked the game back up. Starting fresh, I went in with new resolve. I was going to dominate that village. I was going to mount the heads of the dead on poles I fashioned from their own bones. I was going to take that chainsaw and shove it up – ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Dead again.

This aggression will not stand, man! I will not relent! I will beat this part of the game! After seeing other people complete the village part of the game over and over again, I finally just made my friend do it for me. It took him, like, 5 minutes. I’m happy to say that I can now blitzkrieg the shit out of that village. Eight years later, though, and I still get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I approach that part of the game.

Speaking of that sick feeling in my stomach, there are plenty of parts in this game make my balls retract into my body. The first time I was running up that hill towards the church and that dog came out of nowhere to gnaw on face made me cry out like a little bitch. Later, those same dogs would stalk me through some ridiculous hedge maze and little drops of pee would leak out of me in fear as I heard them galloping around every corner. Then there was that time when I had to run into the prison to get some key or throw some switch and the Garrador woke up and chopped Leon’s head off, making me puke out of my butt.

The absolute worst, though, was when I was in some cryogenic lab and caught a glimpse of the Regenerator for the first time. What sick, sadistic son of bitch thought this thing up? The creepy way it breathes coupled by the broken way it walks at you only highlights its INABILITY TO DIE. You can unload your entire payload of shotgun shells on this thing and it will just keep coming. They make it even worsewhen they cover its entire body in spikes and nickname it the Iron Maiden. The only way to kill these assholes is to find yourself an infrared scope and pick off the hidden Plagas keeping it alive.

HEH HE HAHA – Thank you. I hate escort missions. No matter what game I’m playing, if I have to walk around with some pansy that can’t defend themselves, I piss myself out of sheer rage. The dumbass always ends up getting themselves killed. It never fails either. They just stop running, they wander off, a pack of enemies come out of nowhere and kills them, or I just shoot them to death out of frustration. Either way, it’s game over for me. Luckily Leon’s charge, Ashley, isn’t all that bad once you learn how to mute her.

Moreover, Ashley tends to get captured a lot. This is a good thing as long as it’s conducive to the storyline. If you’re in the middle of a level and a dude just picks Ashley up and carries her off screen, you’ve failed. But if the storyline calls for her to get caught so Leon can have some alone time, you’re golden. I will say, however, that areas in the latter half of the game are easier when you need to escort Ashley. Capcom just ramps up the difficulty if that bitch isn’t at your side. Take for example the time when they throw you in a room with two Garradors and a bunch of cultists. You might as well just cut your own head off.

Come back anytime In preparation for writing this retrospective, I decided to do a quick run through of the game to remind myself of certain things. I found out that I could blow through the first two chapters in a matter of a couple hours (skipping certain cutscenes). The third, fourth, and fifth chapters, on the other hand, were pretty slow going. I realized that, back in the day, I would play the game until I got stuck or just tired of playing it (usually in the third or fourth chapter), then pick it back up but start over from the beginning. I must’ve played the beginning two chapters 50 times. Honestly, I’ve only beaten this game three times (this being my third), but I feel like I’ve been beating it my whole life.

Come at me, bro – image c/o mmgn.com

Despite some flaws in its controls it’s a very enjoyable and challenging game that holds up even after 12+ years of existence. Resident Evil 4 is on literally ever single console known to man: Gamecube, PS2, Wii, Xbox 360 and it’s even on mobile devices. You’d be a cultist not to own it.

Like this article? Hate it? Let Stephen know in the comments section!

Posted in Games | Tagged action, capcom, come at me, creepy, cult, cultist, cults, dead, Evil, facetime, funny, gamecube, games, guns, humor, left 4 dead, left 4 dead 2, leon, leon kennedy, monsters, nemesis, parasites, playstation, playstation 2, president, ps2, raccoon city, radpocalypse, radpocalypse.com, Regenerator, Resident, Resident Evil, Resident Evil 4, scary, shooting, spooky, the walking dead, Undead, video, video game, video games, videogames, virus, Xbox, zombie, Zombies | 2 Comments

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