Video Game Movies (That We Deserve)

posted by @TDftw

If I have to tell you that the level of movie adaptations of popular video games is far from being acceptable, then I should probably also tell you not to eat razor blades. Gamers hardcore and casual alike value their entertainment, otherwise spending thousands of dollars to buy the system, accessories and games wouldn’t be an option. What has happened aside from Uwe Boll’s ridiculous attempts (STOP IT), is Hollywood trying to capitalize on numerous markets instead of maintaining purity. Now, don’t get me wrong- there are some quality video game movies out there. Final Fantasy: Advent Children, the CGI Resident Evil flicks… hell, Wreck-It-Ralph even looks good.

Shut the fuck up if you didn’t think this was awesome until you sobered up – image c/o

Point being, there is potential for certain games to be excellent cinema fodder. What Hollywood has yet to understand, but is certainly trying hard to emulate, is that video games revolve around the feel of the universe they create. Could you imagine playing Resident Evil if it was in brightly lit corridors? It would turn from a survival-horror game into a shooter based solely on ammo conservation (the idea of which makes my penis shiver). What video game fans need is the feel, the universe. You might think asking the universe out of a movie is a lot to ask, but this is my article, so suck a whole bunch of butts.

Dude butts

Mass Effect – I will never waiver on my love of Mass Effect. The first game was epic, the second was epic, the third was a conclusion to an epic journey (fuck you for complaining about the ending). It was a series steeped in drama and excitement, where the choices made affected everything you did. The universe was crisp, breathtaking, grimey, dark, quirky and flat out OH SHIT THAT REAPER KILLED EVERYTHING! There are so many storylines that could be followed and endless possibilities, which makes it high risk/high reward.

It’s also amazing how much time was put into the stories we never paid attention to. There are entire species with which we only got to interact with minimally, who have such rich histories. Also, Yvonne Strahovski voiced Miranda.

Strahovski: Australian for “Boner-Inducing”

We are constantly teased about the Protheans throughout this series, an advanced species who were seemingly wiped out by the Reapers, who may have the answers to stopping them from destroying civilization. In the third game, we finally get to meet one, and he’s kind of a dick. My point being, there is an entire war saga waiting to be told, because we learn through these games that the Reaper’s are in fact cyclical beings of destruction to allow other species to take the galactic helm. There are so many possibilities, and familiar places filled with unknown races.

Or, just make movies about Shephard and make all of the money because that would be badass as well.

Assassin’s Creed – This would be amazing, so hear me out… focus on Altair.

He had one game to himself before it jumped to fucking Ezio. So much time to build, so much time to explore, to hone his skills; it has everything. Love story, murder, intrigue, betrayal, and, again, sweet sweet murder. It doesn’t hurt that free-running is kind of a thing right now (I will not call it parkour, fuck yourself). It’s like the Bourne Identity but with a hooded man who knows what he’s doing and changes history.

I’m not saying make it about Desmond’s visions of Altair, unless you make it a dream. Maybe, right before the conclusion of the first game? That could be interesting. Basically the possibilities for this are quite endless as there never is just one “Assassin”. You have free range within this universe to take any and all historic license you want.

Just ask the guys who killed Hitler

Final Fantasy VII series – Total honesty here… I haven’t played any of the recent Final Fantasy games. They look like the dying visions of someone OD’ing on ecstasy at a rave in Kim Jong Un’s basement. Frankly, VII was my favorite, will be my favorite and should be yours too. I know Advent Children already counts for a movie being made about this game, but shut up. You forget about how much I love you; I want to see more.

I want to see Aeris trudging through the underworld, reborn of Mako energy and evil as fuck riding black Chocobo with Sephiroth on the way to bend Cloud over Barret’s hopefully dead body. I want to see the world I knew from there blown the fuck up in an explosion of crazy awesome nonsense. I want to see Red XIII and Vincent have adventures, fighting demons and shit- it would be better than Constantine (I actually liked Constantine, even with the Shia LeBeeforWhatevs of it all).

This is an established universe with nothing to lose, and yet before this they made a silly save the world-esque Final Fantasy movie that showed off excellent technical advancements while boring me to death.


Honorable Mentions – I’m going to close this post with a few more games that should be made into a movie, but I’m not going to explain why because, frankly, it isn’t fucking necessary: Halo, Red Steel (because that would be fucking insane), the Batman Arkham City universe, Prototype (prequel/origin), Tetris (drunk Russian construction!?).

Like this article? Fucking hate it? Let Tim know in the comments section!

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