posted by @heyitskamo

Week one is over. Jessica Lange and the AHS crew have returned, but in this installment there’s no haunted house, spooky asylum, or coven of witches. This run we’re at a freak show, baby. We got a two-headed lady, a geek that bites the heads off chickens, a dude with tatted up baby arms, Kathy Bates has a beard and a fucked up Pennsylvanian accent…but most importantly, Tate is back and he’s got dickhands!

Ok, second episode, let’s go!

We’re back at the circus, probably a good place to start after last week ended with a friggin cop getting sliced up by Tate and company. The freak gang is gathered around a table, while a nearby radio announces that the recent murders around the area are still unsolved- the case took another turn because now we have a missing cop to deal with, but we already know what happened to him (winky emoji). Kids aren’t going to school because their parents are afraid for their safety- cut to a diner, some punk kid is talking up a waitress like he’s hot shit. Fuck you, kid.

Speaking of cops, here come some right now! They’re looking for Elsa, and they’re definitely suspicious of the circus, not just for the local murders but the missing cop too. The shit-pot gets stirred a bit more after the two-headed woman suddenly appears, the same two-headed lady that the cops were guarding in the hospital. The VERY SAME two-headed lady that was found stabbed in a house with her murdered mother dead in the kitchen. The cops tell Elsa that they’re going to set a curfew in town, so her dwindling crowds are going to go down to zilch. Also, [bad Arnold accent] they’ll be back.

The kid from the diner goes to deliver some coffee to the owner of a local toy store and I gotta guess the toy shop guy is already dead- store is quiet, and that’s usually not a good thing on this show. This kid looks like a fucked up Tobey McGuire. He’s startled by a toy robot, and oddly enough the robot is trailing a huge track of blood. Camera cuts to behind the kid and, oh shit it’s the bloody clown boy! Lumpy McGuire follows the track of blood to a severed head on a shelf, which must be the store owner. Lumpy backs up from the shelf and we get our SEVENTH kill of the season- knife to the throat.

Intro. One thing I caught this time around that I didn’t see in week one was there’s a weird doll and it’s got a huge squirming dick and on the tip there is a cowboy boot. What in the GOTT DAMN is THAT about!?

Back from commercial. Is this the episode where we finally go Dickless for Chiklis? Perhaps, but only time will tell…

Tate is on edge- the tall woman and the guy with the tattoos, along with T-dog, go and dig up the dead cops body. Tate wants to burn the body parts up and scatter the ashes, thinking the other cops might find the shitty grave they dug. Tate’s giving us the sob story of “He shouldn’t have called us names, we’re not freaks, we’re regular people, we had to kill the cop, blah, blah, blah.” You fucked up, dude, admit it. They find the cops badge and decide to try and burn/melt it down (this is going to end badly for sure, just bury it or throw it in the pond behind you!).

That snob kid is being a chode. Not sure where to go with this. Uh…I hope he dies soon? Oh shit, he’s drinking cognac out of a crystal baby bottle, it’s got a nipple on it and everything! This dude officially rules now, I apologize for saying anything mean about him. He’s a total brat though, he isn’t getting his way and his mother is giving him shit for it- you need to grow up, that whole thing. He storms out, and the maid busts in, telling the mother that she found some fur and bones behind the shed and thinks it might have been the snob dude that killed the animal (bones belong to the neighbors pet? Cat maybe?)- then she tries to link him to the murders that are going on. Jesus lady, he’s not a criminal mastermind here, he’s just a bratty rich kid. The fact that she thinks he’s capable of murder is interesting though…

Kathy Bates is chilling with a bottle of whiskey and this dude rides up, looking all jacked, and now it’s finally time to go Dickless for Chikless! He’s the strongman apparently, but he looks nothing like Thing from the Fantastic Four, so he can’t be that strong… He’s got a lady with him, his girlfriend/wife, and it’s Angela Bassett, the voodoo witch from last season. He says he just got out of a Chicago circus because they didn’t understand him and his wife, which leads us to a [FLASHBACK]. His wife is banging some dude in a tent and then the strongman comes in and snaps homeboy’s neck. Looks like he’s the jealous/murderous type. Also: OH MY GOD SHE HAS THREE TITTIES! She’s a “full blown hermaphrodite”. Elsa is wary of them, but he seems desperate for a job and doesn’t have any place else to go. Fuck it, he’s staying.

The rich lady is driving down the street, and son of a B if she doesn’t see the killer clown. She pulls over (smart move) and wants to hire him for her son, because he’s an adult child and needs to be entertained by a fucking bloody clown apparently. I cannot place the clowns face, I wish he’d take the mask off.

Commercial- shit’s going to pop OFF soon, I can feel it.

The rich kid shows back up at the circus. He’s telling Tate how badly he wants to runaway and join up with them. “I’m one of you!” He’s begging to join the freak show but Tate is pissed, saying he’d give anything to have a normal life like he does, with normal (non-dick) hands- he basically tells the brat dude to fuck back off to his mansion. Tate is pissed, this ain’t no game!

Ok so the rich mother DID get the killer clown to come back to her house…..what the fuck is going to happen besides the obvious (murder of everyone)? Side note, the brat dude has a fucking croquet court in his bed room, what the hell? That IS kind of baller though…

Kathy Bates is obsessing over the strongman, which we saw when he first arrived- sounds to me like there’s a history here. She goes to see him at his trailer and warns him to get the fuck out and stay away from her son (Tate) and oh shit it looks like he’s the father? Flashback confirms that he was once involved with the bearded lady, so I’m guessing that he is actually Tate’s father. Which raises the question: how you bang out a lady with a beard? Desperation? Drunkenness? That is crazy.

On stage, practicing for the next show. The one sister cannot sing but the other can, and its the one that doesn’t want the spotlight- this is gonna create some good animosity between the two, as well as Elsa who might think she’s going to be upstaged by the duo(?). The strongman, who looks to be taking over and trying to run this shit show, says they’re going to do a 3 o’clock matinee show until the curfew is lifted (they have to make money somehow), but Elsa won’t have it. Night time is for Freaks, baby.

Back at the mansion, the spoiled kid is being a creep and the clown looks incredibly agitated. After a weird sort of puppet show, the clown bashes the brats head with a bowling pin…. and then leaves? He doesn’t kill anyone or anything…what the frig, I wanted blood. Clown dude leaves the house (because fuck that, right? Jeez man, at least rob the place or kill everyone and set up shop there. It’s better than living in a bus in the woods!), we see him walking through a field, with the brat kid in tow. Tate and his freaks show up at the diner he was at in episode one, and it’s about to get real.

Commercial!

We back. The staff and patrons of this diner are pissed. A woman seated nearby says the gang is upsetting her daughter- Tate tells her she’d probably enjoy the show and offers to give her discount tickets. Oh Dickhands, you sly dog! The gang is going wild at the diner, yelling and stuff, and the strongman shows up (he was hanging fliers around town for the matinee show) and tells everyone to get the fuck out- he’s mad because Tate’s giving everyone at the diner a free damn show. Shit gets physical with Tate and the strongman (his father?), and the freaks all leave.

Not sure what Tate was thinking here, bringing them into town like that. Maybe it’s his “we’re normal people, we should do things normal people do, we’re all the same” mentality. I think sometime this season he going to come to the realization that him and his crew AREN’T normal at all, and he’s going to go berzerk.

Back at the bus in the woods, it looks like the kids might be able to escape! The girls is able to loosen a board just as the clown gets back, but it looks like they might be able to make a break for it. The brat kid, who is still following the clown, has also discovered the camp site. I bet he’s (clown or brat kid? Both?) going to end up killing the kids. The girl hits the clown with the board (couple rusty nails going into his neck) and they escape out the front of the bus. The clown is able to catch the little boy and, surprise surprise, the brat kid catches the girl! He’s just trying to help his clown friend! “You’ll have to do a better job of confinement if were going to have any fun.” he says to the clown. Son of a gun, the maid was right. Maybe THIS is the outlet that the brat kid needs: kidnapping and murder.

Also, when the girl hit the clown with the board, his mask fell off and he’s got this brutal fucked up gaping mouth, FUCK was that gross looking.

COMMERCIAL

Tate and crew are walking back up to the circus, tail between their legs. Tate’s ratting out the strongman to Elsa, blowing in his posters, but Elsa is seeing clearly and is on board with the strongman’s matinee idea. She’s saying how she wants the strongman there to protect them, which does not sit right with Tate, so he tells her about the cop he murdered to try and gain some respect back.

The act starts. The strongman is the…I don’t know the word for this. RingMaster? Anyways, Meep the Geek bites the head off a chicken and the show beings. The two-headed woman sings “Criminal” by Fiona Apple and the crowd (mostly dudes) goes nuts because she can sing really well. There is also a crowd surfing midget, and we’re back to commercial.

The police are back and there’s a lot this this time around. They have a search warrant to see if they can find shit about the missing cop. They search the strongmans tent- after some protest by the strongman, one of the cops tells him that they spoke to the Chicago PD, and they talked major shit about him. Did Tate try and plant the cops badge in his trailer to get rid of him? Yep! But the strongman was on to him and moved the badge. Oh shit, they find it in Meep’s trailer. They’re arresting him and I don’t think this dude is gonna last a minute in that jail cell. We’re about to have a dead freak on our hands. He gets cornered in the jail cell and that’s probably going to be it for homeboy.

Elsa goes to see the two-headed woman while they are sleeping- she wakes up and talks to the dumb one. Looks to me like Elsa is trying to plant the seed of doubt, boys! Is fame going to the other sisters head now too? I don’t know how you can turn two sisters against each other if they are attached at the neck, but this will make next week’s episode a bit more interesting.

Tate’s getting wasted, he feels bad that they took Meep and he’s blaming himself. He wants the strongman gone, and he wants to go confess to the murder in order to get Meep out of jail but uh oh! Too late, Tate! A duffle bag gets thrown out of a truck and on to his doorstep and there’s a dead Meep in the bag. Death number eight this season.

Three important things happened this week. Elsa’s jealousy of the two-headed woman is pretty prominent and it looks like she’s going to try and turn the sisters against each other- lot of interesting things can come from this considering the two are attached at the fucking neck. The rich brat kid looks to be joining forces with the murderous clown. We’ll get to see how the brat spirals down this path and possibly becomes a murder himself (we need an episode of his first murder and his reaction). Although, he might not want to kill actual people, he might just enjoy the “game” of keeping them locked up and scaring them instead. Finally, Tate has a lot to deal with. He killed a cop, is partly responsible for Meep’s death, is trying to stay in Elsa’s good graces, he’s trying to get rid of the Strongman (who may or may not be his father), and he also has a conflict with society not understanding him. It’s a lot for him to handle, which is good because he didn’t play a very big role last season.

Next week is gonna be nuts, y’all!

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