posted by @HeyItsKamo

American Horror Story is back! This may be exciting to some of you, but others….maybe not so much. The show isn’t really hit-or-miss for me, I genuinely like it, but I am awful with watching TV shows as they air (I’d rather wait until they are on Netflix or On Demand so I can binge watch like the monster that I am). To be truthful, I’ve never watched an entire season “live” as I usually just go get drunk Wednesday nights and forget it’s on. I’m going to try and do one of these posts right after each episode this season, so we’ll see how it goes (it did not go well last time, made it about halfway).

So now that it’s back, I really don’t know what to expect. I’m going into season four with not much insight at all, which is fine because I hate spoilers. I know there are trailers out there that I can watch, like this one, but I haven’t (OK I just watched that one and, holy FUCK). I know it’s about a freak show or weird circus or some shit, but not much else which, again, is fine with me. Hopefully it won’t be as boring as that HBO abortion Carnivale was. Carnivale was like a shitty predecessor to Boardwalk Empire except boring as shit and starring that dude from the third Terminator movie, where he was also awful.

Ok the episode starting so let’s go.

Yoooo this bitch got two heads for sure, they can’t cut the camera at that angle without hiding something. This is very similar to that one episode of The Twilight Zone, The Eye of the Beholder, where it had the perfect camera angles and shadows so it could hide the big reveal of the women with the hot face and the doctors/”normal people” with the caveman ass pig faces. Either way, Sarah Paulson is so good.

The setting is, Jupiter, Florida, which is going to raise a big flag here for me because nothing good happens in Florida. Nothing. Just check out Florida Man on Twitter.

Ok so this Milk Man (this is putting the setting for this in the 1940s-1960s) is delivering his milk and what the fuck. Why is this dude going into the house? Spoiled milk don’t mean go into the house, my dude! Dead body in the kitchen [Body 1 of the season] and it’s an old lady. Now he’s going up the stairs with a rolling pin? The fuck? You were IN THE KITCHEN! I KEEP KNIVES IN MY KITCHEN AND YOU GRAB A WOODEN ROLLING PIN? We’re about to get our first death of the season, y’all!

Nope, just a long ass scream when he opens a closet door.

Hospital and a body is getting rushed out on a gurney towards an OR. Again, the camera doesn’t reveal the shoulder/head region which is a big hint that some shit is about to pop off. Haha this nurse just puked her guts up because she saw the lady with two heads- doctor confirmed that shit in the next scene as did the preview before the fucking episode, so thanks, FX. Sounds like the dead lady at the beginning of the episode was the mother(?) of the two headed woman, and she kept the two-headed lady a secret? Maybe?

Jessica Lange showed up at the hospital and she has a French accent, not off to a good start even though I really like her. She gets warned that she can’t smoke in the hospital and comes back with, “Lucky Strike, it’s good for you.” I agree. But wait, her place is called Fraulein Elsa’ Cabinet of Curiosities or some shit? That’s German right? This accent is going to get old fast. OH! She’s a candy striper now- she looking to steal the two headed lady? Gah, and she’s holding two balloons, that is great. One is red and one is green, what does that represent? Red bad, Green good? Green can represent envy. Red could mean blood, or murder? Maybe one of them is a killer? Only person that died so far is the old lady so maybe they killed her (their mom?).

OH MY GOD a stop motion clay animation/claymation introduction. Every season has a creepy title sequence but this might be the most bizarre one yet, although I still think season one was the scariest.

And did I just see the name Michael Chiklis?!? We’re going dickless for Chiklis, boys! Can’t wait for Chiky to show up, I hope he’s made of rock, per usual.

Ok, back from commercial. Jessica Lange wants to steal the two-headed girl, and they are on to her because they can talk to each other in their minds- telepathy, if you will. The split screen shot in this scene, showing the perspective from each head of the two-headed woman, is excellent- such a good idea and I hope it continues. Based on their dialogue here, it’s looking like one sister is going to be pretty dimwitted. Dimwitted may be harsh, maybe “innocent” is a better phrase. Also, siiick masturbation joke here. The one sister says that the other “leaves her body” or something along those lines when the other sister touches herself (aka pounds off) and, wow, The Oblongs just ran through my mind, with the conjoined brothers Biff and Chip zoning out in a similar fashion (The Sklar brothers?).

Moving on: Two teens making out in a field. They are definitely about to bang on a picnic blanket, and out of NOWHERE a fucked up looking bloody clown comes into play and it’s FINALLY killing time. Man, that is an incredibly creepy mask. Ok so he’s not gonna kill anyone, just do some clown tricks- nope, time to die everyone. Clown dude stabbed homebody at least ten times that I could count, while the girl got hit in the face with a bowling pin and then ran away. She’s gonna get hit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!with the bowling pin again…

Jessica Lange is being weird in a diner and Tate is back! I still don’t know the actors name and I don’t know the name of any of his other characters in any other season of AHS, but he is my baby boy.  I don’t care. Hi, Tate, glad you are back, my G :)

I’ll be honest, he looks like a god damn greaser or some fucked up Tom of Finland drawing come to life, except he’s wearing some kind of weird leather mittens. He’s got fucked up hands? I hope he has tentacles for hands. OR testicles for hands. Tate Dickhands. TD.

Moving on: look at that little lady! I seen her before for sure, she’s like a World Record holder for smallest lady- pretty cool that she’s on this show. JL and her crew are at their tent/circus lot and the dude she’s renting the lot from is giving them the boot, and all while JL is hanging her underwear out to dry. What a DICK. It’s ok though, I think she’s gonna bang him as a bribe so they can stay there- she really wants this two-headed lady cause that is gonna mean more people come to their seemingly unpopular circus/freak show.

Commercial, posting on Twitter how we going Dickless for Chiklis, baby!!

Ok, we’re back. There’s a group of ladies at a house party talking about bad sex is with their husbands or something, idk. Oh shit it’s Tate. OH MY GOD HE’S GOT DICK HANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I called it. I fucking called that shit (please see above when I said Dickhands). So Tate is a Lobster-Boy type character this season? Nice, nice. At least he doesn’t have that shit accent he had, bad New York or something, in Asylum.

JL is back at the hosptial, talking to the lady with two heads. She’s still dressed as a candy striper, how? Where is the candy striper she stole this uniform from? She is asking 2H about the murder of their mother. The dumber sister tells a made up story and JL isn’t having it, she’s telling them the story this lady is telling is similar to a popular movie and they need to get their story straight or the cops are going to throw them into a crazy ass jail where they keep people with two heads I guess? How do you jail a two-headed person? How do you HANG a two-headed person? Double noose? The logistics involved is too advanced for my booze-brain, sorry.

Clown man is back and he killed a family. Death count this season as at 5 so far, plus one kidnapping all thanks to fucked up clown baby. Cut to a scene where he’s got two kids kidnapped and he’s keeping them on a fucked up short bus in the hiddle of a Florida swamp. I wish I was making this up but now he’s terrorizing them with balloon animals and kicking their cages. Wow.

We’re back at the first house, where the MilkMan found the dead body, and the two headed chicks are making a break for it and packing a bag, but uh-oh, persistent ass JL is back and these bitches aren’t going anywhere. Naw, son. It’s revealed that the one sister killed the mother because she wouldn’t let them go to the movies- classic. Classic daughter-mother murder scenario right here. JL says they’ll be put to death by the state (electric chair, but idk how that would happen when you got two heads on your body) if they run and get caught so here we go, off to the freak show. One sister is pumped. The other, not so much. Bette and Dot Tattler are their names, I think. I don’t know, guys, I’m not the quickest to catch on.

Commercial, sending a second tweet about going D-less for C-lis

Some things get clear: one sister (Bette?) loves the show biz, glamour, fame, etc. The other just wants to chill out on a farm. Alright, hippy, get a fucking REAL job. Both sisters are writing in a diary (similar to the intro, which I didn’t mention earlier because it wasn’t important at all, even now), which gives a nice insight to how fucking totally different they are. Interestingly the more head-wise (pun intended) sister’s head is more straight on the body, while the goofy sister has a crooked head. Something is gonna happen this season and that’s going to change. Goofy sister is gonna be the “leader” head and down-to-Earth sister is gonna be on the back burner. It’s going down, quote me, bitch.

Oh my God Kathy Bates is a God damn bearded lady and she’s so butch and fuck this rules. This is going to be a great season. She’s was apparently a drunk ass bearded lady that also got “rescued” by JL, similar to how the two-headed lady was rescued. She’s got a great accent, idk what it is, Pennsylvania, not California? Not Minnesota but possibly Quaker or Morman or some shit? Fuck, idk, someone tell me! She called the Siamese twins a “headline act” hahaha

The pinhead from Asylum is back and she is painting some nails, my dudes. Tate and this dude with gnar tats and baby arms and some tall lady are hanging a sign for the Siamese twins and then some townies come in driving a truck and break some bottles at their feet and Tate is ready to brawl, he’s sick of this shit, don’t call me a “freak” bitch! JL’s accent fades in and out while she’s talking to the candy striper she stole the uniform from and then she shows this girl a video of her getting down and dirty and smoking some opium with the freaks when she threatens to talk to someone about JL stealing her uniform. The video is seriously a hardcore freak orgy or some shit, I love it. Overall though, it’s a pretty disturbing scene. JL is saying “the people outside this tent are the freaks, they dream of strange erotic pleasures and the freaks here give everything to everyone, they live the life they chose” and so on, I was drinking a beer when she was talking and I couldn’t type.

New scene: is the bearded lady Tate’s mom? Certainly seems like it from this conversation. Tate wants to get the fuck out of the circus and Kathy Bates is saying “naw, son.” He’s fired up and he’s gonna go check on the conjoined twins.

Oh shit, there’s a cop here and the jig is fucking up, boys. Here’s here to arrest the twins, Tate is pissed at the cop for being a jerk. The detective is calling the twins monsters and he knows they killed their mother. The cop gets heated and says some shit he probably shouldn’t have: Tate don’t like being called a freak, so he cuts the cops throat. 1 episode down and 6 people are dead, baby.

Commercial, still no D’s for Mr. C.

One thing I’ve noticed so far is the color in each scene. Colors are great this season, lot of bright reds and blues, but still that dinginess that we are used to with AHS. We’re in the big tent and ready for the first show- there’s a lady in red and she is the for SURE the witch/maid from previous seasons of AHS (Frances Conroy). Her son(?) is a weird ass nerd whom I hate immediately but also love- he won’t last until the end of the season but he’ll be good up until then. This dude is PUMPED for the freak show, like, so fucking Hype. They are the only two people in the crowd, which is kind of awkward. JL is still a drunk, taking shots before the big show, and I love it. Bearded lady gives an intro and we’re about to see a freak show on tv better than any you’ve seen at any county fair or carnival. JL is introduced as: “The Enchantress who holds sway over all of natures mistakes” which is a dope title, imho. JL is singing in a German accent and it sounds ok. This is a super bizarre number and when it ends I’m really not sure if it ever even happened.

I really truly love that every season Jessica Lange and Frances Conroy are catty bitches to each other and have this total hate filled relationship.

Ccommercial, DL for CL

Tate and his crew of freaks…they are butchering the dead cop after a rousing speech by Tate Dogg (new nickname, sick). I have to guess that they chop the detective up and bury the different bits? They ARE in Florida so maybe they put the pieces in the swamp? Episode ends with JL taking off some fake legs- she doesn’t have anything from the knee down (not a good twist, this seems really unnecessary).

I’ll be honest, I really don’t know where this season is going to go. This first episode was OK but I’m really not sure where this is headed. We need to get resolution or something about the murder clown and I’m not sure at all where the dead cop is coming into play but people are going to look into that shit for sure.

Preview for next week? Apparently there’s a hot girl with three titties so, yep, I’m hooked. Let’s goooo!

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