posted by @HeyItsKamo

Four weeks of AHS are gone and shit’s getting real at Briarcliff. We got weird experiments, possessed nuns, aliens, and now possibly an ex-Nazi doctor and Anne Frank (no, not the blind, deaf, and dumb girl. The little Jewish girl with the diary!). This weeks episode, fittingly titled I Am Anne Frank, introduces us to a new character, another new story line for Dr. Arden, and a super creepy back-story for Grace. And, like, four seconds of  kitchen sex and some REALLY weird forced masturbation. I hope you’re ready.

So right away, the episode is off to a strange start. Where is the present day asylum intro scene that we’ve gotten so used to? Now that Adam Levine is finally dead, are we all finished with that story line? What happened to all those fake Bloody Face guys? Come on, I really wanted to see where that was going after last weeks twist…

The episode actually starts with a guard telling Sister Jude that a patient was brought in for “involuntary psychiatric hold.” Basically, this lady showed up on their door step with no paper work or identification. Oh, and she’s covered in blood and yelling about “Jews” so… this should get interesting.

Cut to Dr. Arden’s laboratory and we see our favorite nympho patient strapped to a table and her dang legs are gone! Oh yeah, I forgot about that… She asks Arden if she’s going to die, and he responds with an ominous “After this, you’ll probably live forever.” Such a baller thing to say to somebody after fucking them up for life- “Sorry, girl. You the Highlander now.”

We head over to the kitchen, where Tate and Grace are on lunch detail. Tate’s a bit banged up from an encounter he had with Arden earlier in the day, who by the way is still going crazy about the metallic chip he found in T-bones neck. I can’t blame him I guess, I’d be pretty freaked out too if I pulled a futuristic chunk of metal out of someones neck and the fucking thing turned into a spider and ran away. He’s starting to obsess over it, which could be bad news for Tate because as we saw last week, Arden is fucking crazy. He shoots Tate up with all kinds of X-rays, presumably looking for more metal chips (by the way, this has to be fucking Tate up something fierce- X-rays in the 60s is like instant cancer, right?).

Anyways, Grace and Tate console each other, throwing a bit of a pity party for themselves and their situation, but it’s here that we learn how Grace came to the asylum. When she was younger, she witnessed a crazed man brutally murder her father in his bedroom. She just narrowly escaped him, hiding in a closet while he ran outside to look for her- this seems like a good idea on her part, but her step mom was in the closet with her and that bitch was cut to pieces. The man ends up framing her for the murders and then she gets shipped off to the nut house. I think she mentioned her sister was in cahoots with the guy, but I missed that explanation.

We cut to Zach Quinto and the lesbian reporter having a meeting. Zach wants to help her and he explains that he isn’t surprised she tried to escape- she really doesn’t belong at Briarcliff anyway. The good doctor is convinced that he can cure her of being a lesbian, but she doesn’t share his optimism. “I’ve been like this since I can remember.”

The new patient is writing a letter to someone in the common room, but she is interrupted by the reporter warning that if she’s caught with a pen, it’s lights out for the bitch. Just then, Arden walks in and she loses her God damn mind. She starts accusing him of being a Nazi doctors, claiming she recognizes him from Auschwitz. “Don’t you recognize me? My name is Anne Frank.” oh DIP! So the note she was writing was a diary entry or…?

Sister Jude is not convinced. She has a sit down with Anne Frank (lol), who explains her story to her: she was too sick to tell the liberators of her concentration camp her name, and when she was let out she just kind of hung low, ducking around Germany before meeting a US soldier that she ended up marrying. She came over to the US, but her husband died in battle after he was called back to war. She found out that her father published her diary, and she made the decision to keep the fact that she was still alive hidden from the public- the 15 year old martyr that brought so much attention to the Holocaust needed to stay dead. She goes on to explain that she saw Arden at Auschwitz, but he went under the name Hans Gruber. It turns out that years later he would take over Nakatomi Plaza with a group of terrorists under the guise of wanting to free some war criminals, but their real plan was to get that money, baby!

No, but for real, the writers couldn’t come up with a different fucking German sounding name for this character to have? They had to pick that one? Um, right off the top of my head: Klaus Muller, Otto Richter, Lars Schroder, Karl Hoffmann, Olof Wagner. Gee whiz, guys, come on…

Frank goes on to say that Arden/Gruber would randomly select women from the camp and experiment on them, returning them to their bunks all messed up (why he didn’t just kill them after the experiment, I have no idea- maybe so the women wouldn’t feel as apprehensive when he selected them?). It seems like after the war, Arden escaped and he moved his experiments from Auschwitz to Briarcliff.

Back to ZQ, the doctor and Tate are meeting in regards to Tate’s sanity hearing. Zach says that if he concludes that Tate is sane, he’ll get sent to prison, and eventually the electric chair- if he deems him insane, he’ll spend the rest of his days in an asylum. The doctor is willing to lie to the courts in order to save Tate’s life, but he wants Tate to confess to the crimes or at least admit he’s lying about the aliens. He goes on to tell T-dog all about the crimes he’s accused of committing- the skin and head was removed from the victims, and the crimes all took place near Tate’s town. ZQ thinks that Tate’s friends showed up the night he was abducted and he wouldn’t answer the door because he was embarrassed of his black wife, and the rage/embarrassment finally drove him to kill her. He thinks Tate made up the entire abduction story in order to block out what really happened: sweet sweet murder.

The reporter wants to get out of the asylum, so she takes Zach Quinto up on his offer to cure her. And so begins one of the most fucked up scenes on a show that is known for having really fucked up scenes. ZQ has a theory, and it’s a pretty good one in that it makes sense to a doctor from the 1960s: he’s going to hook her up to an IV that pumps her full of drugs that are going to make her puke. Then, when she’s nice and sick, he’s going to show her slides of scantily clad 1960s women and big ol’ bras and garter belts, and at each slide he’s going to give her more of the IV so she pukes. She’ll then associate a feeling of being sick with the female form/nude women (what happens when she sees herself naked in the mirror though?). His NEXT step is to bring in a male patient, have him disrobe, cut the reporters drugs, and then make the reporter masturbate while touching and looking at this guys wang. HIS WANG! His idea is: she associates a good feeling with the male figure/dongs. She ends up getting sick and the experiment is deemed to be a failure AND ISN’T THIS WHAT THEY FUCKING DID IN A CLOCKWORK ORANGE? Boy, I’ll tell ya, the writers this week are lazy.

Cut to a scene of Tate and Grace awkwardly fucking in the kitchen for five seconds before the young nun catches them. The nun brings ’em to Jude, who is about to give them one h*ck of a caning and then decides, fuck it, she’ll just have them both sterilized instead. She gets called away by one of the guards, who notifies her that there are some detectives at the asylum, and they’re questioning Arden. It turns out they’re there because the hooker Arden almost killed last week ratted him out (go figure), and she told the police some interesting stuff. Stuff like: he’s got weird porn, he attacked her with a knife, he tried to rape her, he has Nazi memorabilia all over his house, he tried to kill her… In an interesting twist, it turns out the cops are really there because despite the fact that Tate is locked up, they don’t think he has the surgical capability to cut someones skin and heads off- a doctor might have those skills, especially an ex-Nazi doctor that cuts his patients legs off.

Jude storms out and meets up with the young priest dude, where she rats Arden out about the whole Nazi/hooker thing. Homeboy doesn’t care though, he’s actually mad at Jude for getting drunk the night of the big storm/escape attempt. Jude leaves and the priest calls Arden, warning him that “they’re on to you.”

Tate and Grace, not yet sterilized, are thrown into solitary confinement  It’s revealed that Grace lied to Tate, she was actually the one that murdered her parents (Lizzie Borden style!). He motive was that her father would rape her, and when she told her step-mother, she just ignored it- seems like justifiable murder to me. The turning point was when she found out her father sold her horses, which were the only thing that really kept her sane.

The episode ends with ZQ promising the reporter that he’s going to take her with him when he leaves the asylum at the end of the week (uh-oh, is this all we’re getting of Zachary Quinto? I hope not). Frank confronts Arden in his lab, where she goes over the same old lines “I know who you are blah blah blah” but out of nowhere she has a gun and fucking shoots our dude in the leg! She hears pounding coming from a hidden door, which she of course opens, revealing a super messed up legless nympho covered in weird bumps.

This was a bit of a slower episode, but it provided some good character development for Grace and Arden. Tate might be finally accepting that he’s crazy and actually did commit the murders he’s being accused of, and is looking for forgiveness from Sister Jude and God- not sure if this is a ruse on his part or he’s being genuine. So far everyone in the asylum has deserved to be there, with the exception of Tate and the reporter, but it’s maybe not looking that way anymore.

I always liked the camera work on AHS (lighting, camera angles are always impressive), but tonight there was a great shot of Tate and Grace talking in their respective solitary confinement cells that was just fantastic. It really stood out and I hope they keep that up in the coming episodes. This was part one of a two part series (kind of like the Halloween episodes last year), so if the show follows some kind of pattern, someone is fucking dead next week and I can’t wait to see who it is (please not ZQ).

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